


The Origin of Ghoul: A Vampire's Bane

by RexDraco



Category: Rosario + Vampire
Genre: F/M, Prequel, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-25
Updated: 2013-12-25
Packaged: 2018-01-06 02:15:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 26,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1101183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RexDraco/pseuds/RexDraco
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Family of Akashiya has a secret. A dark terrible secret that creates destruction and chaos out of the dead. And Moka is forced to break a promise she made long ago to save the one she loves.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Quasi Existence

**Author's Note:**

> So once again it is request time and my gerbils have found that this offered plot is interesting and wish to take a whack at it. Knight-Bishop has requested the following story. Gah!! 
> 
> *carted off by the evil gerbils*
> 
> Diclaimer: We do not own Rosario+Vampire Ikeda Akihisa-senpai owns it. Also you won’t be seeing Rex for a bit ‘til our ransom is paid. On with the story!

***====================================***

**The Origin of Ghoul: A Vampire’s Bane**

***~~~~~~~~~~~~~~***

**Chapter I: A Quasi Existence**

“ _ **Your body is breaking apart.”**_

I warned him.

“ _ **If I continue to inject blood into you, you may end up dead. Right now your body has reached its limit.”**_

I told him directly so there was no misunderstanding. 

“ _That’s a joke right? Because… wouldn’t that mean I won’t see Moka-san ever again?”_

Though he mused it in light-hearted way the truth seemed to be something he wished not to face. I had to be stern.

“ _ **That can’t be helped than.”**_

I was harsh, something inside my chest just twisted. Those were cruel words that should have never been spoken.

“ _ **Besides, the one who would be troubled by not seeing you again would be the Outer Moka, even if you say that it troubles me.”**_

I turned to face him with my mask on. I had to keep this resolve and treat him callously so he would leave, but I regretted my words.

“ _ **After all, no matter what happens to you guys, it doesn’t have anything to do with me.”**_

It was then I realized that I was the monster everyone had made me out to be. His eyes changed suddenly. He willed the happy-go-lucky façade he carried for the others, and put on the face he reserved only for me. It was a stern look of conviction.

“ _Nothing to do with you?”_

He sounded hurt, but I cast my eyes away. It would do no good, no argument he may have had. I refused. I had made a promise.

*~~~~~~~~*

“ _Do not take this lightly!” Our father scolded us._

_He had called us into his reading chambers. This was at a time where I was still me, and had yet to be cursed to my prison beneath the Rosary. He had been abnormally distant as of late, and it worried my mother, who lived in the human world, but left me in his care. Father was a liberated individual. In such a way that he found the company of multiple women far more enriching than the wholesome unification of a single woman. I was born of such a relationship. Mother had no idea that father had been in a relationship. He courted her for several months. Mother says if not for me he would never have admitted to the affair. Father’s wife forgave him, but in turn mother had to leave. I was given status and fortune, while my mother fell into obscurity in the human world. I would not be reunited with her for a time, because on that day I was sealed._

_The mother of my elder sisters, and my baby sister Kokoa, hated me. She would assault me, in not a physical manner, but preferred verbal abuse as it left no physical evidence behind. I was an exception among my siblings because of my high level of youki. My elder siblings accused me of being father’s favorite. In retrospect they could have taken his affection at anytime. He trained me harshly and I would have to endure a great deal more with his strict lessons in both book and the art of war. I did not hate my father, for he gave me my strength and my pride, and he gave me my food, clothing, and the roof over my head, but regardless, I had felt something missing. Perhaps it was the stability of a proper family. Though my youngest sister and I were exceptionally close when compared to my two elder sisters, watching father philander about with so many women was something I had come to detest._

*~~~~~~~~~~*

“ _Is that what it mounts up to? The Outer Moka, to me, is…”_

Is what? What is the other me to you really? I wished I did not care.

“ _I won’t be fine if you were gone!!”_

To this day I do not know what shocked me more: his words or our enemy’s revival. In either case, it left my heart pounding.

*~~~~~~~~~~*

_Although father was normally a very cold and aloof man: he had always showed us affection and kept the stern voice that a father should. He never raised a hand against us, because his frightening youki was enough to quell our rebellious tendencies as children._

_His normally bright study was sheltered in darkness that day. The tower windows had all of their curtains drawn, though it was still midday. His reading chamber always had a very distinct scent to it. It was a masculine scent of leather and wood. I knew it as my father’s scent._

_I was the first to step toward his desk. He did not look well in the least. He was slumped in his chair and he looked worried, though this day I understand that it was not worry in his crimson eyes, but terror._

*~~~~~~~*

“ _Moka-san!”_

Why did he continuously risk his life? It made me so angry. He was the only one who could make me lose my composure in such a way.

“ _ **You idiot! Why did you come?!”**_

I would feel my ire boiling over when I saw that wound on his back. I think I had been afraid.

“ _ **Your body is in a dangerous condition right now! My blood can no longer heal you!”**_

Why could he not understand the severity of the situation? Did he not understand the danger he was in? Did he not understand that I wretched at the very idea of him coming to harm, his weak body could not stand to the punishment. I wanted him to understand!

“ _ **Did you think that you could help me? Know your place! Your help is not necessary at all!”**_

Why did I continue to tell him such cruel things? The look in his eyes, after those words left my mouth, haunts me. I could not falter or he would not leave. I had to make him run away, even if it caused me pain.

“ _ **You can’t even protect your own body!”**_

I could not even protect him.

“ _ **Never get involved in my problems ever again!!”**_

I had nearly growled, fighting back the rage and fear that continued to fill me. He could not understand my worry. I fought to protect his pride. I fought to protect his honor, because he had always stood up for mine, but I was caught off guard. When the water began to sap away my energy all I could think about was to defend myself and hold my ground so he could not get to Tsukune. He still tried to intervene. He still tried to protect me. Was I not clear enough? Was I not harsh enough? My anger was at its limit. I was suffering this pain so you did not have to, yet you still sought to give up your life so I would not be harmed. I was unlike my outer self. I did not need him to hold my hand, he needed me. I had to make him understand that I could protect myself, that he was out of his league.

“ _ **I am different from the Outer Moka.”**_

How different were we? Yes, she always sought to hide behind him to shield her emotions. She constantly put him in danger with her acts of blatant affection. She put him in danger. I would never do such a thing to Tsukune.

“ _ **Even if I am on the verge of death, I will ask request help from anybody. You are not necessary to me, Tsukune.”**_

I said those words again. The barefaced lie burned at my throat, yet it did not deter him. He used his body to shield me from the strike that was sure to kill me. I had told him… purposely hurt him and said he wasn’t needed. Even so…why…? I found myself screaming at him as I held his crumpled form in my arms.

He had said to me he had become frustrated with my telling him it was not his concern. He had acted rashly because of my insensitive words. It had been my fault he did not allow me to protect him.

“ _To me, the current Moka-san, and the outer Moka-san are important to me.”_

His words were like a knife to my heart. Had he known how long I waited to know that? For him to assure my beliefs?

“ _That’s why I want to protect Moka-san.”_

His words were clear because his actions have shown me as much, but I still could not believe someone would sacrifice so much for another. It was something I had never seen before. My mother, my father, my siblings: they always acted selfishly and never concerned themselves if they were hurting others. Tsukune was different. He was the only one I had ever seen to openly accept others, no matter who or what they were, and look to you with a kind smile, even as he lay in a pool of his own blood. I found myself shouting. My self-control had snapped.

“ _ **Tsukune!!”**_

He was getting cold to the touch. That warmth that always surrounded his body was slipping through my fingers. Could I do this? The first few times he had gotten lucky, but it did not change the fact that I had broken my promise.

*================*

I remember when I had first heard the word Ghoul: I was five years of age. I did not learn what exactly one was until much later.

As with any child my age, youkai or human, I was frequented to naps. My youngest sister, Kokoa, had just turned three. She had gotten a pet bat for her third birthday. She had named him “ _Koumori”,_ though it was bit redundant, she was only three. I had lived with my father for all of my life and had not seen my mother since I was one, so I could no longer accurately recall her face, but I did recognize her scent. I would often come across the soft floral smell on some of the gifts that she would send me from the human world.

My father lived in a typical manor which vampire nobles were accustomed to. My two eldest sisters made frequent visits and held a shared room at the end of the second floor hall, but they otherwise spent little time at the house, both busy with school and work. Kokoa and I spent most of our time together. Though she spoke in rather abashed tone she was very upfront about the things she wanted.

Our father called me and my sisters to his study. Aneue and Kahlua-nee were home for the weekend and I was let out early from my tutor as my young attention span could no longer deal with it and I threw the equivalent of a tantrum: I flared my youki. For my age I had very exceptional youki, but that only made me a target for my father’s stricter training.

I had walked with Kokoa, having picked her up from our play room, to the basement room. We were not allowed entrance in fathers study unless summoned. Not that I would have wanted to go there. It was an unsettling place. I was not scared, just uneasy. Kokoa did not seem bothered by it, just pleased by the fact that I was holding her hand as we traveled down the winding stone steps. His book chamber was unusually dark, especially for midday. He had always kept the curtains opened to allow the maximum amount of light for reading, refusing to use light until his candles became too weak for his youkai eyes. He was a stubborn, old world youkai. He was what vampires would consider an elder, an individual wither over two centuries of life at their stead. I admired my father for his power and strength, which showed with his age.

I ignored my sisters’ insults as I stood with Kokoa in front of father’s desk. She went everywhere with Koumori, even bathed with the poor thing. He looked over to us from his place, his crimson eyes noting each of us with reservation.

“I need you girls to promise me something.” He began.

It seemed very odd he would suddenly speak in such a manner with little explanation on o why he was asking such a thing of us. The others did not ask, and I did not expect Kokoa to do more than nod and agree, but I wished to understand what reason inclined me to make a promise that I knew nothing about.

“Promise what?” I had been the only one to speak up. My elder sisters stared at me as if I was suicidal.

My father simply laughed. He understood that I was, in many ways, like him. I would not corner myself by suddenly agreeing to a burden I knew nothing about. He looked at me with a proud grin. My sisters hated when he looked at me like that, but if they wanted praise they should have not been so easily deceived simply because he is our father. 

Father stood from his seat and folded his arms behind his back. I noted at an early age that he always did that when he would lie or otherwise withhold the truth. My sisters seemed to not have noticed his habits, being that Kokoa was far too young to understand, and my elder sisters were gone every chance they got. He turned to us and cleared his throat.

“Do you girls know what a _Ghoul_ is?” He finally asked, only to receive confused faces in return.


	2. An Early Disassociation

Father stood from his seat and folded his arms behind his back. I noted at an early age that he always did that when he would lie or otherwise withhold the truth. My sisters seemed to not have noticed his habits, being that Kokoa was far too young to understand, and my elder sisters were gone every chance they got. He turned to us and cleared his throat.

“Do you girls know what a  _Ghoul_ is?” He finally asked, only to receive confused faces in return.

Clearly he was determined to explain to us, but at the same time withhold as little as possible. I would not know until later that he would only pretend concerned for our safety as a pretext to protect his own name a name I would later come to reject. Kokoa tightened her grip on Koumori and tugged at my hand. I looked down to her and raised a brow in question. I was not well inclined to showing emotion but sometimes I could not resist the smirks that snuck themselves into my features when I would speak with Kokoa. She was innocent, and naïve, but strong-willed.

“Onee-sama?” She called to me with guiltless affection. “What a goo?” As precious as her speech was her pout indeed veiled a very good question.

I looked up to my father. He had walked over to the windows and carefully pulled back a bit of curtain. The difference of illumination was almost blinding. When I look back to these times I find that I had always been a suspicious and untrusting child, but such a state of mind comes when everyone around you is out to hurt you either emotionally or physically. Of all the things my father provided for me, the one thing I am most thankful for was being given the ability to defend myself. If I had not been blessed, or perhaps cursed, with such strength I am sure my sisters would have held a greater advantage than they already had over me. They always tried to force me in my place, but I refused to be beneath them. I suppose I am also thankful for Kokoa. As clingy as she tended to be, if not for her I suppose I would have suffered worse from the feeling of loneliness that choked me. No one ever gets used to being lonely; I simply learned to ignore it, after all it is the price you pay for holding no trust in others.

My father turned to face us before returning to his seat. He had a smile on his face that made me wish to sooner leave this unsettling chamber. As creatures of darkness: we are taught to embrace the shroud that surrounds our world. Murder and other acts of violence are not stranger to someone like me: a vampire.

“You girls know that there is nothing stronger in this world than a Vampire, right?” It was more of a rhetorical question that would sugarcoat his explanation, but I did not know that than and proudly nodded along with my sisters. “You also know how a Vampire child is born, correct?”

With the knowledge I hold today I would have sneered at my father’s words but I was only five. My sisters, by that point in time, already knew. I could see the annoyance in their faces from having to be subjected to the explanation along with their two youngest. He went on to explain the process to my siblings and me. At that age none of it really mattered to me, but one process stood out: kissing.

Now it is not kissing as it is in the human sense, after all we are vampires. Normally our more intimate acts of kissing would involve a form of bloodletting. It was not necessarily sucking blood, but rather infusing it into the one you wished to be close to. I held no obvious distinction between the two at that age, all I knew is that it involved using your fangs to puncture the neck of another youkai. My siblings and I only drank from transfusion packs or tomato juice so I had never really had the experience in actual kissing. Only later would I understand…

When father mentioned kissing, I had recalled him committing such acts with various others. My natural pessimism immediately dictated that kissing was bad, regardless the reason. So what if I did not make anymore vampires.

I had perhaps strengthened my grip a bit too hard on Kokoa’s hand because she had pulled away from me and hugged Koumori tightly. Her sudden fleeing left me with a momentary feeling of regret I quickly pushed away, as I did not understand the emotion well at that time.

“You girls know that you are only supposed to kiss someone you love right?” He was such a hypocrite. It made me ill just having to stand her and listen to him.

My disinterest showed as I put my hand on my hip and turned away in apathy, though it seemed my father was serious about this matter. Father’s youki flared considerably, grabbing all of our attentions. Kokoa quickly sought shelter from his power behind me as she and Koumori clearly shivered in fear of the raw power.

“Do not take this lightly!” He yelled. “Have you any idea the implications of this situation?!” He was not angry with us, as I have later come to learn, but with himself. “If you do not properly kiss than you can accidentally create a Ghoul!” he roared out as his hands slammed at the table. “You girls will learn how to properly kiss!”

I have to admit I flinched as well. His youki still bled out uncontrollably, but he had slumped down in his seat and pressed his hand to his face. I looked over to Aneue and Kahlua-nee. Their fear of father clearly showed on their faces. They had grabbed onto one another for comfort in a similar way Kokoa had grabbed to me. Again that feeling stung at my chest, though I can now say that it was the distinct subconscious realization I had no one to hide behind. I also learned that it too is not a pain that simply goes away, just easily ignored. My sisters weren’t going to ask what this Ghoul, and I knew Kokoa did not understand, though I cannot say I did either.

“What’s a Ghoul though, father?” I questioned when my curiosity got the better of me.

My elder sisters looked at me as if I had started a war or uttered some blasphemic remark that would bring a curse upon our family. Perhaps I should have been more knowledgeable back than but it was not something I could rightly help. My father, for once, was infuriated with me. It was obvious he did not like the conversation in the first place and he knew I would not simply do as he asked without proper reasoning; it was just the kind of child I was. Simply telling me that I need to learn how to kiss and not create a Ghoul would not satiate my apt curiosity. Over time I learned to gather information myself rather than rely on others to answer. It is in my experience that perspectives are skewed in individuals. You will never receive the answer you are looking for so you have to speculate with the truth that lies in front of you, no matter how painful it is. 

As old as my father was, this was something he was clearly not accustomed to. His youki turned on me. I wanted to put on a brave face but I cowered before my elder. At this point he was no longer my father, the man who fed me and clothed me, no he was the man who disciplined me and made sure I followed the rules. I was sent to my room for the remainder of the day, no supper. It was a cruel punishment to set on a child of my age, but my father was from days of old where there were harsher punishments that befell the unruly, child or not.

I sat in the darkness of my room; my only light was a small candle that I sat on the nightstand beside my bed. I had a large western bed, something I had to grow out of when I left to the human world. I had many troubling thoughts when I was young. These thoughts only became more prevalent as I grew; little could I find answers for them. I was unnaturally unsettled by the solitude of darkness. It was not the darkness that bothered me, after all II was a creature born of it, nor was it the loneliness as it was something I felt on a constant basis. It was something else that clung to my heart. I do not remember what I had been considering, but I recall being broken from my thoughts when I heard something shift in the hall. I was sat up on my bed, my knees hugged to my chest. I glanced over my shoulder, carefully listening to the familiar sound. Soon my door knob slowly twisted, releasing with a click. The light from the hall quickly bled into my dark room, causing my candle’s light to flicker violently. There, staring up at me with round, innocent eyes, was my baby sister. Sitting on her head was Koumori, the two were inseparable. In her hands she held a plate with a piece of half eaten velvet cake on it. She pattered into my room and meticulously closed the door behind her, making sure it clicked shut. Kokoa made her way over to my bed and sat the cake beside me. She looked up to me sadly. They were perhaps scolded a time after I left. Father’s rage could go on for a time, and this had only been a minor infraction.

Kokoa looked as if she wanted to say something, but she clearly did not know how to word it. She only nodded to me and I turned my head away coldly. I had done so to protect myself. I could not show her affection for doing something that was clearly against father’s order of me going without supper, though it had clearly been dessert. When I heard my door close once again I turned myself around and allowed my legs to dangle off the edge of my bed. I took the plate onto my lap and picked up the small dessert fork. I poked at the frosting for a bit as I wondered what I could do to find out what these _Ghouls_ were. 

I don’t remember how I came to my decision, but after finishing my cake I settled in for bed. I was determined to visit my father’s chambers and learn something that he refused to tell me of properly. I would be punished, but I believe to be ignorant is an excuse an illiterate would use. It was not something I thought at that age, my processes were much more stubborn, somewhere along the lines of showing father I could handle the truth, regardless of what it may be.

I was wrong.


	3. Indiscernible Scent

I had woken up the next morning to the usual knocking at my door. Every morning I would be roused by a servant for my bath. I felt a bit unwell. I was sure I had a nightmare the night before but it is lost to my memories at this point. I climbed out of my bed and sleepily walked over to my door. I find that as I grew I became more accustomed to waking by the morning light, because I was quite aware of the fact that I would be very disagreeable at such an early time. When I opened my door one of the female servants, heaven knows if I could remember any of their names. After a few years they all just began to look the same. None of them held any outlandish features or youki. Some of the servants were actually human. Normally it was illegal to keep human servants or salves, but Vampires, at the time, still held to the rights of the old laws, but kept to the newer laws which states they could not force humans into work. Later I would come to understand that forcing and charming are very different prospects in the youkai world. The old maid had already woken Kokoa and my sleepy baby sister lay cradled in her arms with Koumori in a similar position in hers. Normally Kokoa and I shared our baths. Since we were still young we were still permitted to have free time in a filled bath.

One must consider it is not an easy thing to get a vampire child into a bathtub of any kind. Normally infants are washed with cloths bathed in specialized mineral water that would not harm our youki. It took some time convincing a pair of vampire children that the water at home was safe. I had figured out that the servants prepared our baths with similar minerals and herbs that are used in more processed antidotes later in my life. I recalled watching them stir grasses and flowers into Kokoa and my bathing water before straining the water of them, leaving behind a distinct smell that would make me upturn my face in disgust. It was not that it was an unpleasant smell, it was just very strong. At this age I had found myself to be scenting everything I could. My senses were growing stronger and I was told that my sense of smell would mean my survival later. I did not really understand as I took a primal joy in scenting everything I came into contact with. Though scenting did not always come out as a pleasant experience as I learned with the peeled garlic cloves in the kitchen. 

As Kokoa and I wallowed in our bath water, after that maid diligently scrubbed us down I found myself distracted. I had thought of something unrelated to _Ghouls_ that was a bit disconcerting. As strong as father says we are, we have to take many precautions. Now it may have been my curious five-year old mine, or my inner pride that brought up the question at first notice, but whatever the case may have been it bothered me. If we had so many problems, could there be someone else with power like father or mother, but not be scared of water, or weakened by holy artifacts? I would not know until much later the truth behind this questioning but my five-year-old mind decided to answer the question with the original problem: what is a Ghoul. 

After father’s reaction I was sure no one would answer me. Kokoa and I were dressed for the day. We would not have lessons until a little before ten so we would have free time to play until then. I will admit, even as a little girl I loved dressing up. Father had always given us the most lavish and beautiful clothing that his money and position could afford. He would tell me that the fabrics came from the furthest reaches of the world and were expensive. I was not really sure I cared for the same materialistic reason he did, but it made me happy that it was something special, which made me a bit arrogant in my own right. We wore very western style clothing. Though we spoke Japanese in the house and held many Japanese habits father was still originally from the west. He had told us once he was born a long time in Europe. He grew up during a difficult time, he once said. 

Being a vampire I was well aware of the fact that human blood was something we drank to keep us healthy. Father had told us when he was young they did not have human blood packaged and he had to drink from humans. He said he grew up a starved and weak child because during his growth many of the humans in his country were very sick from a strange disease that ailed only humans. I later came to learn that he lived during the era of the Black Death in Europe. It was frightening to hear these stories as a child. He said many vampires died during this time from starvation and had literally shriveled away to nothing. I would later come to learn the extent of the troubles vampires had during those ages and the times after.

Kokoa and I sat out in the gardens playing, and by playing I mean sparring. As I had earlier mentioned violence was no stranger to a vampire’s household. Sparring was considered a wonderful pastime, for child or adult. Kokoa’s pet bat was obviously not a normal bat. Koumori had the ability to transform, as many vampires do, into small inanimate objects. Kokoa’s youki was not very strong, but she had a physical prowess at three years of age that allowed her to lift things many times her own weight. She had excellent balance which would later come in handy for her training as a Weapons user. I would later realize how much I missed our matches when I would be away at school. When I fought with her I could feel her emotions so much more clearly. They made me feel good at that age. I would only later come to realize that it was admiration that she felt for me.

After a short time sparring we had gone inside for breakfast. Kokoa was still quite spoiled and would be given her tomato juice in a bottle while she sat up in her chair and ate her breakfast. We always ate on the island counter in the middle of the kitchen in the mornings and had lunch and dinner in the dining room. Our elder sisters always joined us for breakfast, even if it was only for a short time. They would always find some means of insulting Kokoa and I or attempt to get us in trouble with their mother. Koumori always say at the table and Kokoa would feed him small bits of her breakfast. I as a bit envious she had someone to take care of and would often muscle in a chance to feed Koumori as well. Kokoa didn’t mind that much, but she refused to allow Aneue and Kahlua-nee a chance, and Kokoa could be very stubborn. The irony was lost to me at that age. When Aneue’s needs weren’t met she would quickly find fault in the other person’s enjoyment. She complained that animals should not be allowed at the table and he should be kept in a cage. Kokoa did not take to the implications, being only three. In her mind I was sure that only birds slept in cages and dogs ate on the floor. I did not like how my older sisters would pick on Kokoa. She did not know any better.

I had a natural distaste for picking on the weak it seemed. It could have been my upbringing, it could have been my pride, but I was sure that I preferred fair fights as opposed to ganging up on those beneath us, even if it was family. 

“Then Aneue and Kahlua-nee shouldn’t be at the table if animals don’t eat here!”

I must say it was a clever retort…that only put me on the fast end of their mother’s early morning disdain, though she did not need a time of day to hate me. She had overheard my comment, and immediately found the fault with me. I had remembered what she said, to this day. I think it may have stuck with me longer than I had wished it too because there was some validity to her statement.

‘ _You do not belong here! You’re worse than an animal, you’re a freak!’_

I was sent from the table and not given pass to finish my breakfast. It seems, as of late, I was losing more and more meals because of my inability to back down from a fight. I had only wanted to protect Kokoa. I went to sit in the living area to wait for Kokoa to finish her breakfast, after all I really had nothing else to do and no one else to spend time with. As large as the manor was it was definitely not suited for a child’s enjoyment. Our dolls were mostly collector’s items which were never played with, only kept clean. Our playroom was full of various weapons for training. There was no television in the house. The only phone was locked away in father’s study and was only to be used in emergencies, which there never were. I had been pushed from my thoughts when Kokoa climbed onto the couch beside me. She held up half a strawberry muffin to me. She had a fondness for the sweet fruit and would always manage to trick one out of the cook before heading off. Normally she never let anyone else near her muffins, it even amuses me to remember how angry she got if she caught you touching the strawberries picked especially for her breakfast. I was thankful. Without her muffin I must say that my anemia attack later that day would have been much worse than it was.

After finishing our shared muffin Kokoa looked up to me. It was obvious she had something on her mind. It was the same look she gave me the other night. She must have been considering it since that evening.

“Onee-sama…?”

She called to me as she sat with Koumori in the frills of her dress and stroked his furry head. I looked over to her while we sat there relaxing. 

“Why was chichiu-e mad?”

It was an innocent question, and sadly one I did not have an answer for, but it had reminded me that there had to be a reason he was mad, and it had to be because of this kissing issue.

“I don’t know Kokoa, but I’ll find out okay?”

What else could I do but foolishly offer a promise to my only companion in that dreadful manor? I told Kokoa to wait for me in the playroom that I was going to check. Now neither of us were sure what I was going to check, and I should admit to the fact that little has that changed in me. I always seemed to make foolish promises that I could not keep. Kokoa nodded in response and climbed off the couch with my help. She went off toward the playroom and I made my way toward father’s study.

The nearer I got to the study the more bothered I became. I suddenly wondered if father would be mad that I came to his study. It was not that we were forbidden from the study, as sometimes he would bring us books from the shelves to read, but we simply never entered his study out of fear. I would soon realize that fear is something easily overwritten by a stronger fear. I feared my father, but I feared not knowing the truth more. I feared that Tsukune would be hurt staying with us, but I feared more that he would be gone. Later that I would understand that fear is overcome by agony.

I took a moment to pause as I reached up to the door’s knob. I scented something in the air. It was somewhat familiar, but at the same time it was not. I slowly pushed open the study’s door, searching for the scent that caught my attention. I felt my throat tighten and my fangs ached as if I was teething. Afterwards I had come to learn that it was the pain of thirst. Whether it was because of that scent or because I missed breakfast, I felt the pain grow. I called out for my father as I felt my body grow heavy and my world began to spin. The last thing I remember was the sound of my name before it became black, and that unfamiliar scent came to surround me.

As I know today, knowing the truth is invaluable for survival, but to survive the pain of the truth you have to close away your emotions in a dark place that they may never return from.


	4. Impermeable Subject

As is expected I recalled nothing after falling faint. From what my muddled memory, I could recall waking up to the sound if discordant voices. I was being supported by something warm, when I came to I had realized that my father was cradling me in his arm because I had become aware of his scent which wafted into my nose as the fabric of his collared shirt brushed against my face. There had been two voices, but my head was still spinning and my eyes were still unfocused. The second individual must have left, seeing as when I came to my father sat me up on his writing table. I rubbed at my eyes and looked around. I could hear father shuffling through the drawers of his desk but I was too concerned over who had the second person been? 

“Here.”

My father called to me when he placed a transfusion pack into my small hands. This was something I was used to, and felt comfortable doing on my own, after all I believed myself to be getting older and having the independent strength to do things on my own. I held the plastic back up to my mouth. There was a certain trick to getting them opened so they did not dribble or overspill, and so you did not injure your fangs. I quickly snapped down my fangs into the neck of the pack and gently squeezed my tiny fingers against the plastic, encouraging the blood to flow up as I sucked. Father looked to be in the middle of work as many of his papers were spread around. I did not understand, at the time, all of the numbers and colorful circles that accompanied the distinct scribbles of numbers and some familiar words, very few.

As I fed on the blood the dizzy spells stopped and I felt as relief washed over my tiny body. Anemia was a troubling result from not getting enough nutrition and supplement. Naturally vampires have trouble circulating the iron in our blood so have to take proper care to feed at least once a day. Father worked by the light of a candle, though he seemed miffed by my intrusion he was not angry. With my packet in mouth I climbed from his desk, only to stumble, still terribly unsteady. I felt his hands catch me and set me to the ground. I grunted in thanks, as I continued to drink my pack.

Sometimes I think my father found it amusing to see me stumble about for something to read on his shelves. I distinctly remember hearing strange noises form him that I would later muse upon as chuckles stemming from him finding me adorable. He did care… he was just careless.

I still had my mind set to my goal, the thought of the second individual already pushed away. Sometimes I was thankful for my short spans of attention as it allowed me to focus on the more entertaining thoughts in my head, and right now they were about this secret father kept. I pulled a book from father’s shelf and plopped to the ground in a pathetically precious manner. I opened the book in my lap and began to read. I can tell you that it was not what I had been looking for, as that infamous short span of attention found the story about Dracula meeting the Wolfman to be more entertaining. Father chuckled again as he looked toward me for a moment. I glanced up with what I could only guess was an equally adorable pout, which was the result of a failed glare. 

“What’s wrong?”

He asked as he turned back to his work. I looked down to the book and felt a bit sad, from what I remember. The book was a depiction of my great grandfather, who had raised father during the Black Death. He would often tell me stories of great grandfather’s valiant efforts to win back our rightful territory from humans. Later I would come to learn that “the exploits of Dracula” were not a great honor but a great horror. Even if humans were, from what I was taught, destructive creatures and non-believers of the possibility of any race with intelligence but them, it had still been a horrible thing great grandfather had done. You can label it any way you want: heroism, bravery, savior… genocide is genocide.

I recall asking my father about great grandfather. We had not seen him for at least a season. I know Aneue often visits him as her work is nearby, but reading the story I felt a bit… disheartened, perhaps I had missed him, though knowing what I know now I would never believe myself had I been able to go back and ask. Father was silent a moment as he considered my words. I looked back to the book, not yet realizing that my erratic train of thought would led me ever closer to a truth I did not want.

“Do you want to make a visit Moka? Grandfather would be most pleased to see you progressing in your training.”

It was always about training, or my studies. They were so different, mother and father. She would send me letters occasionally from the human world asking how things went for me. It was my privacy; no one was allowed to ever intervene in my sending and receiving letters from mother. My sisters’ mother had tried once. It had been the only time that I cried. Father had put his foot down on the matter and forbade anyone but my maid to handle my letters. I think it was about the time their mother’s temperament had gotten worse toward me. She realized that I had privileges with father’s patience they did not have. At first I would always send her letters describing my progress in training. My words were small and not very descriptive, but somehow she was always able to reply in a manner that allowed me to understand and know she understood me. One day she had written to me asking did I like anything else aside from training.

My reply would surprise her.

“ _I don’t like training every day.”_

It was truly a pitiful response, but it had been the truth. She had replied, asking me if I had any friend and if I played outside. It had been one of the hardest responses I had to write. I grew frustrated several times in the course of writing the letter, unable to word properly what I wanted to express. After throwing a tantrum I had relaxed and decided to do my best in responding.

“ _I don’t know what that is. Is it like Kokoa? She goes outside with me and trains. I’m sorry Moka does not understand.”_

Utterly pitiful, utterly regrettable… it would have been a subject I would have liked to learn more about, but I would not get a response to my question until I returned from great grandfather’s, and it would be too little, too late.

I nodded to father. I wanted to hear the story in the book from great grandfather. He always told the loveliest stories, always the most colorful and they were easy to understand, unlike father’s blatant tales forged of deceit and treachery.

“Since you and Kokoa have behaved exceptionally well I will allow you to stay over at grandfather’s home.”

I cannot lie, I was excited. Great grandfather’s castle was so beautiful and so big. We were allowed to roam about anywhere without supervision, unlike our own home, and great grandfather was much more expressive in his mannerisms and laughed. Laughing was a sound disassociated with our residence. Though I occasionally felt joy well up in my chest, I did not know how to express it save for a grunt or dismissive glance. Great grandfather’s manor sat atop a mountain that overlooked a massive vale. It was a cold place, always covered in fog, but it had the most wonderful scent. There was a soft aroma of soil and grass mixed with the thick scent of air; it was the only way I could describe the way the fog played with my sensitive nose.

Father agreed to allow us a week visit so he could deal with some work without worrying that Kokoa and I got into fights with our sisters. When their mother did not interfere we were known to create quite a bit of havoc that normally ended with Kokoa and Kahlua-nee crying and massive scale damage to the playroom. He said Aneue and Kahlua-nee would be home for a while because they were taking holiday from work and school. I did not understand what a “holiday” really was but I knew my sisters always came home during these events and I would be more miserable than usual. I did not hate Kahlua-nee, she was just a bit spoiled. She often forced me to play dress up, not that I hated to dress up, but I could only stand to play the part of model for so long and Kahlua-nee _never_ stopped until I would throw a fit and push her, only getting me in trouble with her mother. I was not known for having my father’s patience. Normally Kokoa would be her next victim had I been sent to my room after. I was more discontent with the presence of my eldest sister. Aneue was very strong and would often try and show me my place whether I deserved it or not. She would bully Kokoa and me, and sometimes bully Kahlua-nee, though Kahlua-nee’s crying fits could last for hours so she was often left alone while Kokoa and I were present for taking her punishment.

Though father clearly favored me because of my youki, he spoiled Kahlua-nee in a very different way. She took very different training than Kokoa, Aneue and I, and would often be tutored by father. I later came to learn that she was learning to take over the family’s business.

Well father had the maids pack our things. We had to pack warm clothing because the castle could become exceptionally chilly at night. I had also been fond of great grandfather’s castle because it was in the human world. He often would take us out on evening walks through the forests. Human world animals were wonderfully unique. There were few animals in the youkai world and often they were some sort of supernatural spirit or creature. There were many animals that were afraid of us and would not come near but the larger ones used to great grandfather’s presence were not deterred. 

I was getting ready for bed, we would be up early and the driver would take Kokoa and me to our destination. My bags were already taken to the cars and I had been allowed a snack before bed. I pulled back the quilts of my bed and climbed into my mattress. I paused when I heard the distinct patter I’ve come to know as my sister’s shuffle. As predicted, Kokoa opened my door. She was already in her nightgown. It was quite an adorable state of dress. It was a strawberry pink gown that reached down to her feet. She shuffled around in her white slippers with Koumori nestled in her arm. She closed my door, and would always wait until she heard the distinctive click. I sat down on my bottom as she shuffled across my hardwood floor toward the side of my bed. I knew what it was she wanted. She too must have been told of our trip. She was excited. She struggled to climb on my bed as she was far too short to reach on her own. I reached down and pulled her up as Koumori took the initiative and flapped onto the quilts. Kokoa kicked off her slippers and crawled the rest of the way as she made her approach to my pillow. She burrowed under my covers for a good minute before her head came up to rest on the pillow. She held out her arms and Koumori obediently flew into her embrace. I rolled my eyes at her very spoiled behavior but said nothing else, because if I was honest with myself I would say that I was just as excited. I turned off my light which sat on the nightstand by my bed and lay down beside Kokoa who had already fallen asleep.

Looking back I would think that I would have never come to the truth, but it seems my idling thoughts were what brought me to my ends. It was either fate or a cruel joke because I believe it helped me decide on a path in my life that I think I needed to take, lest succumb to the dreadful fates my eldest sisters met.

I much prefer being free and allowed to choose my own path, than to be trapped in a perpetual cycle of “as I say”.


	5. Isolated Surroundings

 

_To fight in order to win means everything._

Such a daunting state of mind. When I had heard Midou speak these words I could only think that: if there was a winner, someone else had to stand the loser. It was that way of thinking my father acclaimed to: survival of the fittest. What a deplorable sense of existence. What was the point of having power if you were to simply climb to the top with it? Has it not been considered what one would do once at they have reached the top? After using all those beneath you as stepping stones you would have no one by your side to share that eternity with. It sometimes scared me knowing that. Often, when I was around perhaps eleven or twelve, I had begun to lash out negatively in my environment. All of these questions and worries that carried over from my father’s influence had scarred me in a way I had not expected. It had all been around this month. During my visit to great grandfather Dracula’s castle I had learned great deal concerning the nature of my father, and upon my returned I had learned something that would place me in one of the earliest situations that I could remember that would nearly end my life.

It was a very long trip to great grandfather’s castle. Even if we used the tunnels it would take several hours for us to arrive. Kokoa and I spent much of the time either napping or asking the typical things children do when faced with a very long and boring trip where they have no means of entertaining themselves.

We soon came to the road just below great grandfather’s castle. As usual the afternoon air was heavy with fog. The thick forests surrounded the castles and the small homes that dotted the landscape, many of which, I have come to find, were abandoned. A heavy aura hung over the castle, aside from my great grandfather’s obvious youki. I would later come to understand that it was the aura of death that surrounded that place. The red clay shingles of the roves always stood out in the area. They were the only things that would reach above the trees as the white washed walls of both the homes and castle would often vanish behind the foliage, especially during the winter snowfalls. For such an ancient castle it was always in very good condition. The interior was just as beautiful, if not more. The limestone and red sandstone used in the columned and ogival arched walls made the dull coloration of the faded, decorated marble floors stand out.

We were walked in by the servant into the courtyard. It was always a beautiful view. I made sure to hold Kokoa by the hand the entire way because she would often wander away from me if left unattended. From here I could see the old stone well that had since run dry. When we stayed over great grandfather would take us to draw water from a nearby spring which had a natural mineral content that was safe for us to wash in without supplementing it. What I find amusing, is how old fashion great grandfather is. Though he has many _modern_ ways about him he still holds to the belief that we should not associate with humans. I later learned why this had been the case. Though he lived in the castle still, after all these years, none of the humans knew. Those who would purchase and sell the castle in the belief that no one lived here and in the historical belief great grandfather was dead, he was able to come and go as he pleased. Many of the humans believed the castle was haunted.

Old buildings like this, especially thinking on great grandfather’s castle, made me nostalgic. I had asked him why it makes me happier to be at the castle than the manor. His answer, surprisingly, made a great deal of sense for how absurd it sounded.

_It is in your blood child, to enjoy such extravagantly ancient structures. It’s what makes you a monster._

I know he had only been teasing me, but in a sense of thinking, it was true. Youkai and monsters loved old homes because they always seemed to have a voice to them than more modern dwellings did not. It was as if the old homes always had stories to tell of their past, though Bran Castle’s old stories were some of the more horrific stories I would come to learn. Soon Kokoa and I were lead through one of the secret passages great grandfather used you get around the first and third floors without being detected.

We were greeting with the sounds of great grandfathers amorous laughter. He was quick to embrace us, and even quicker to dismiss the servant.

“Kokoa! You’ve gotten so big!”

He picked up my sister who stared at him with her large emerald eyes. He checked her features, searching for her well being and, as I know now, her power. Great grandfather had hoped Kokoa would come to the same power I did at that age. I would later come to find out that as vampires mature and take on a certain degree of youki, the youki that makes them daiyoukai, their eyes become a deep crimson and their pupils slit while their hair loses its natural color and fades into a whitish silver color. I had developed my youki at an early age, which made me the envy of my siblings. My eldest sister already had developed her youki in her early teens and had gone away to work. Later I learned that, to survive in the human’s world, we needed our powers sealed. It was far too much for the humans of today to handle and we could eventually create terrible conflict had we sought to attempt without having our powers regulated. It had been why we fled to the youkai world in the first place it seemed. Many humans had grown out of belief, out of power and could not handle our dominating presence. A balance needed to be kept it seemed for both of our survivals and to prevent another cataclysmic period where vampire numbers would again decrease. Kahlua-nee would not gain her vampiric features until at least fifteen. That was when she was sent away too, to have her powers sealed. It had been something developed by our kind to allow us to survive. My mother called it adaptability. Father refused to seal his powers though. Father called it wishful thinking.

Great grandfather was different though. He allowed some of his powers to be sealed, but from what I remember he wore what was a prototype to what later will be used as a deciding factor in how my seal was produced. On his ears he always wore silver cross earrings and many silver and gold jewelry on his fingers and wrists. Back then I believed these things to be just attractive accessories to his status, only later would I learn that they were seals, very weak ones at that. Great grandfather soon set Kokoa down, satisfied with his examination. Gret grandfather was a very large man, even compared to a normal adult, he was tall and had a silver, almost white mustache and beard that went down to his chest. It was braided toward the end, and he often kept it tossed over his shoulder. His crimson eyes were full of experience and commanded respect, even when he smiled at you. He knelt down to reach my eye level, though it did not help that much. He patted my head as I looked up to him.

“You are growing into a fine lady Moka dear.”

He had a thick accent that came from his Romanian roots. It was funny to try and hear him speak Japanese. He would eventually give up and start spouting in Romanian. I had _some_ knowledge of great grandfather’s native language, after all I would often visit him, but Kokoa would often end up frustrated and confused. I gave him a nod as he stood back to his full, towering height.

“Shall we go for some lunch than? You two must be hungry after a long trip.”

He switched back to Romanian. He really gave no warning. Kokoa tugged my hand and looked up to me with a confused expression. I shook my head to her and looked up to great grandfather and replied the best I could with my limited knowledge of the language. He laughed heartily and led us down the empty halls. His laughs would echo across the castle and mix with the heavy winds that often blew in from the open passages that led outside. Kokoa and I were bundled up in warm clothing and we still had our coats on. Great grandfather was obviously used to this weather as he would only go about in his cloak and nightgown. As he walked his seals would chime and he would speak of the things he saw in the human villages just a short way from his castle. It was always interesting to hear him speak. He did not hold any sort of disdain for humans as father did. Naturally being raised by father I am untrusting of humans and their often misguided ways, but great grandfather… did not. I recall his stories, even now, of him protecting humans that sat under his ruling power, though what he did to other humans to protect his was nothing sort of cruel and unnecessary. 

He did admit he had gotten drunk on power and was eventually removed from power through political means of usurpation and assassination. Kokoa did not listen to his stories, because she could not understand d much of what he was saying as he would often jump between Romanian and switch to Japanese again when he realized he had changed. I sat up at the table beside Kokoa, eating lunch, while he sat at the head of the table, weaving his colorful stories into something that would always stay with me.

“…of course back than there were many of those who fought against a vampire’s power, it was hard work becoming what we are today, now we have little to worry about…”

I had caught that sentence in clear Japanese. I looked up from my place, my fork just caught between my lips. Kokoa was enthralled with feeding Koumori who seemed to be enjoying the meals that great grandfather presented. They were very unlike the Japanese style cooking we were accustomed to at home.

“Who was stronger ojisan?”

I was curious. It had reminded me of what father had said, that no one was stronger than vampires, but great grandfather has just clearly stated the possibility of a stronger group existing. One thing I must say about great grandfather was he enjoyed hearing the sound of his own voice. 

“Have I ever told you of the yuki onna tribes that used to control the Empire to the north?”

He asked, only for me to shake my head as I sipped from my cup. Though great grandfather also drank stored blood he was very aristocratic in the sense that he always drank, and had use drink, from chalices. He was such a weird old man…

“The leaders of their empire had priests that were able to see into the future.”

As a child I found something like that impossible, something only possible in a child’s dream, but I still listened.

“Ah yes it was many years after the Black Death. Though my son lost his lift in the war, your father survived. I wouldn’t say regretfully as you girls are my precious treasures, but it was still a terrible shame he survived.”

That was very curious. I knew my father and great grandfather did not get along, but he seemed angry at him for something. He also called it a war, from what I was told it was a disease.

“War?”

I asked. I was trained in the arts of war so I had a clear distinction between war, and other forms of strategic battle. Great grandfather sat back in his seat and leaned onto his side.

“Has he never told you?”

I thought for a moment as I looked down into my cup, which was half full.

“Father told us about how he defeated the yuki onna and scattered their tribes.”

I explained. He laughed. It was not the happy laugh that he normally had, but a sarcastic laugh, something I did not recognize until later. I looked to ojisan curiously.

“Fodder.”

He commented bitterly, before smiling again.

“I will take you girls to walk and I shall tell you the story, alright? Come, we will wrap you up, what you have now is not enough for the cold weather here now.”

Hee ushered us from the table. He gave me a cloth with mineral water to wipe my face down as he wiped the reluctant Kokoa down. We quickly dressed in warm layers and followed ojisan to the back paths which lead toward a forest trail that I have many memories off. As Kokoa waddled ahead of us with Koumori flaying above her head, they explored their surroundings quite curiously. Kokoa would pick up rocks and take the sticks Koumori presented, and examined them. I stayed by ojisan’s side and looked up to him when he began to speak.

If you were to ask me today about the days I spent carefree, I can truthfully tell you I did not. To tell a child that the man you thought was a hero of war was actually a murderer of people can deeply affect their outlook in later years. In my case I ended up unable to trust the words of anyone and lived by my own power.


	6. Triumph of Death

 

I listened to ojisan’s story as we walked along the trail. My heart grew tighter for every hour that passed.

_**It was just a little after the Dark Ages, which humans now call the Middle Ages. Man and Youkai had fallen into war and between man killing man, youkai slaughtering youkai and man against youkai: the world was gradually falling into pieces. It had become so dire that many of the conveniences held by what could be considered modern tastes of the time, returned to more ancient forms of feudalism and agriculture.** _

“What’s agriculture?”

_**Farming.** _

“Like a garden? Only bigger?”

_**Haha, right. Now at that time many people had begun to disappear. The humans blamed the youkai and the youkai blamed the humans, but no one was really sure. Many kin were found drained and mutilated, so it brought blame to us. Did you know that a long time ago we fed from humans, and would have many human servants to sustain our lifestyle?** _

I of course nodded, knowing that we used to be close to humans.

“But then the humans betrayed us and we don’t talk to them anymore, right?”

_**Nay child, the humans had better sense than to turn against the hand of their masters, even dogs know not to bite the hand that feeds them.** _

As dogmatist as that statement was, it was true. Humans, for a long time, feared the power of vampires and had always sought ways to either kill us or escape the fear of something they did not truly understand, though in the olden days there were many humans that were fine serving their vampire masters, the ones who would not cruelly treat them for a reason or another.

“Then why did the humans leave?”

_**Well many humans were getting very sick. Afraid that the sick humans would infect the ones they fed from they were sent away to other villages or towns.** _

To think I had been gullible enough to believe that a single disease could wipe out 60% of youkai and human population at the time. He continued his story. We had reached a clearing in the forest and sat down on a fallen log while Kokoa ran around with Koumori.

_**Your father was about thirteen when he gained his vampiric features. It was quite a normal age for a young boy to get his powers at that age; you are still my special exception to the rule. As it was your father was infamous for his short temper and haughty attitude. My son had a great deal of trouble controlling him and would often come to me for advice. I had advised for your father to get a young slave to take care of.** _

_**It was normal back than for young masters to get young child-slaves where they could train them and learn to care for another living creature as human children are quite sensitive to their environments and quickly adapt. They would progress quickly under good conditions but grow ill under negligible circumstances.** _

They treated humans like pets, and most youkai as well. A slave given to a vampire in such a manner was called our Familiar. It was a Familiar’s duty to serve their master for _whatever_ reason we may have. It has gotten much better since then where one could choose whether or not to have a Familiar rather than it being given to you as a means of growing up. Koumori is Kokoa’s Familiar. I often turned my father down when he offered me one. I despised the idea of having someone do everything for me as if I was an invalid. There were two different types of Familiars: Animal Familiars, as Koumori with abilities that ranged from taking human shape to taking the form of other items that would assist their master in their daily lives. Human Familiars were a bit different. They provided a psychological connection to another person. Often Familiars grew close enough to their masters that they held extra sensory connections to them and could sometimes feel when their masters died in battle or were ill. Just because we had an immortal life span, did not mean we were true immortals. We could be killed just as any human; it just takes a lot more effort. Human Familiars were more common through Western Europe at the time. As it was father had fallen in love with his Familiar. I was never told much about the Familiar, aside from the fact that it was a human. 

_**Whatever this illness was that was affecting the human and youkai population, had spread into different provinces, possibly due to the fact that Masters would send sick servants away. Though the disease did not kill those of youkai blood, humans were more susceptible to its deteriorating effects. It was a sickness that would affect the skin, and cause humans to grow scales of some sort.** _

Of course after all these years great grandfather still did not know or understand the true nature of the disease. It was truly horrible, and painfully ironic for Vampire Nobles had they known. Small blood sucking insects would spread the disease among the human and youkai colonies. I could see why the connection between the human deaths during this time and the vampire deaths existed. It was a blood-sickness, and being beings that feed from blood we would suffer on an equal level to the humans. Of course vampires did not see it as equality.

_**Many Lords searched for a way to protect their cattle.** _

A disgusting term, I hate it.

_**Your father was devastated by his Familiar falling victim to the disease and too sought a way to save it. He had grown so much by his Familiar’s side. Your father fell apart when it died. My son came to me and I felt a heavy burden in my heart. He was my grandchild and how I wished to make his life something greater than mine had been.** _

Great grandfather was a real romantic, a violent blood loving fiend, but a romantic. He always wished for happy endings and good tidings, but I have come to learn, in a painful manner, that happy endings aren’t always possible. Ojisan looked broken. He reached his arms out as Kokoa ran toward him, crying. She and Koumori had been a bit too invasive with one of the lone wolves that lives on Ojisan’s property and it snarled at her. Ojisan picked Kokoa up into his arms and cradled her.

_**Do you girls know what a Ghoul is?** _

It had been the same question father asked us… I looked over to ojisan, feeling a bit cheated. He was going to tell us nothing just as father did. He looked down to Kokoa, who had finally calmed down. She shook her head.

“What’s a Goo?”

She responded. Ojisan smiled to Kokoa and sat her up on his lap. Koumori settled in my sister’s arms, both looking up at him, eager for an explanation. I too was eager to know.

_**A Ghoul is the result of a Vampire kissing a human.** _

I did not believe him.

_**It is true, children please understand. Humans were not meant to receive a kiss from us. That is why, for many years, there has been a law that forbade humans and vampires to mate. I was the only one old enough to still remember exactly why that law was in place, but I had felt for your father’s situation, like a fool. I believed that he had changed his ways and no longer sought power.** _

With this, it seemed, father gained much greater power, the likes of which would set a firestorm upon the known world and destroy more than a sixth of the world’s population in little less than ten years time.

_**When a human dies, and is given our blood two things may happen: they may be healed, or they may lose their souls.** _

I had not understood.

_**When a creature loses their soul they are driven into a mad state where they kill everyone in their path. Man, woman, child, brother, sister…** _

There were no words I could use to describe what I felt at the time. Betrayal? Pain? Even now I do not have any words that could come close to the feeling of complete and total fear. Whatever this _Ghoul_ was, it was not a monster: it was a devil. Kokoa clearly did not like where the story was going, though she could only understand a little of ojisan’s broken Japanese. We were not taught to kill indiscriminately. One of the few useful things we were taught was to honor our family and partnerships with our kin and true companions, our precious irreplaceable friends. Tsukune had become this sort of companion to me, and I had cursed him to this fate. In that moment of Tsukune’s change, I had watched my precious friend die. I was a murderer.

_**You girls have to promise me.** _

We looked into Ojisan’s crimson eyes. Normally his stories would always make him laugh and smile, but this story did not have a happy ending, it was unlike him.

_**Promise me that you will never form such bonds with humans. Though we were once inseparable as living beings, times have changed. Your father had broken his promise to me, but I hold more expectations to you girls. Promise me my little angels that you will never betray your family and turn to only them in your times of need.** _

I would soon come to break my promise to great grandfather as well. It seemed, for a long time my life would be filled with lies, discrepancies, and dual natures. Great grandfather carried us back to the castle. We had been deeply struck by this new knowledge. That night Kokoa and I sat up in the room ojisan had set up for us. Kokoa looked up to me as she tightly hugged to Koumori, seeking comfort from the horrid tale.

“Goo’s are not real, right Onee-sama?”

I narrowed my eyes at Kokoa and gave the best annoyed look I can.

“You heard ojisan, there aren’t anymore! And there never will as long as you don’t kiss humans!”

I was only trying to convince myself at that point. Kokoa nodded and crawled under the covers. She quickly fell asleep. I knew because I could not. Every time I closed my eyes all I could see were the images of skeletons and zombies dragging away the screaming innocent, carting them away to a place of eternal suffering. The farmed fields were covered in fire as horse-drawn carriages driven by corpses carried skulls of the dead to their place of rest. The skies were covered in a dark smoke that blotted out the sun, as the grasses below died and became useless, blood-soaked hay which not even the starving horses would feed from. For the time being I could not concern myself with my father’s deceitful habits as my mind was wrought with guilt. I would never kiss so long as I had life in my body. I would never make a vampire, nor would I associate myself with those frightening humans. Vampires were capable of transformation and change, but what ojisan described what those humans became… I would suffer nightmares through the night.

I awoke in the middle of the night, to the sound of walking. I looked over to Kokoa, assuming she had gone to use the restroom. That had not been the case, she was still sound asleep by my side. I climbed from my side of the bed and shivered when my bare feet touched the stone floor. I opened the door and looked outside. The halls were nearly pitch black, and the sound was clearly coming from the darkest end. With little incentive, my curious mind followed the sound as quickly as it could.

Never again had I foolishly pushed forward without thinking things through. It had been the closest I ever came to death, and the closest I never wished to be again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check out the painting: The Triumph of Death by Pieter Bruegel, which was done in 1562. Scenes of Moka’s nightmare and the chapter title inspired by this piece.


	7. Love’s True Kiss

 

I remember the first time I kissed Tsukune. I had not hesitated. Truth be told I had decided a long time ago that if I was forced to be without Tsukune by my side, I would be happy knowing he was safe in the human world, but that day that Kuyou had taken him from me I knew that if his life ended there in that fire pit I would have created devastating conflict until my ire would be satiated. To be honest I did not know to what extent I would go had I lost Tsukune on that day. I had considered it my fault, because of my selfishness. I do not blame my other self, because in all honesty I too wanted him to stay by my side. He was getting to know my true side better than anyone else, neither my family nor my mother could truly say that they knew me. It actually began to pain me to see him risk himself so foolishly for our sake. His heart was in the right place, but he did not understand that with his weak human body it was not his place to fight against youkai.

Really it was a matter of living without him either way.

Either he would have been lost to me or my blood would have failed to restore his life and either way I would have been responsible for it. I should not have given him the kiss in the first place. I should have just sent him away, but I selfishly wished for him to be at my side and bring me this unfamiliar comfort that welled in my chest whenever he was near. It had been my fault that I had broken my promise to my great grandfather and came to trust someone outside of my family, someone I confided in my loneliness. Even though I never came out right and said it, he always seemed to understand me. Sure there was some trouble at first, but he had never given up on me. Perhaps this night was only a precursor to my decision in what came after. It had, after all, been the night I faced death. It was the closest I had ever come to it and I can assure you it would not be the last, but this encounter would be enough to shake my fear of death from my body, by supplying it with an even greater fear.

I didn’t want him to die, so I pushed him away. I had been surrounded by my fear of losing him that I did not see that something even more painful faced me. I sunk my fangs into his neck and injected my blood. Perhaps this would be the last time we meet. Either his body would simply die after rejecting my blood or he would go to the human world… I much preferred the latter as the very thought of him dying sent my stomach into flips. He had been lucky, he had always been lucky. He was still alive after so many injections, this one would be the one to either turn him completely or kill him. I did not, I had not suspected what I had been told all my life, would be a possible outcome.

When you care about someone enough it seems you are disillusioned by your own truth. As my body began to fall I realized that it was no use. We would both die here, though I did not seem to mind that outcome as much. I wasn’t afraid of death, as I said there had been a greater fear instilled into me than. 

Being unable to protect someone you care about because you were too weak far surpassed my fear of death. I felt as Tsukune stood, his body brushed against mine like a feather against the breeze. I sat up and watched as his slowly transformed. I knew right away something was wrong. It wasn’t the typical transformation Tsukune normally went into. Not only was the aura different, but so was…he, somehow.

“ _ **What’s this, did he manage to recover?”**_

It had been much too good to be true. I was sure his body would not be able to handle it, yet my heart still wished to see him fight for his survival, against all odds. As much relief as I felt when he stood, I knew something was wrong; something happened that should not have, not with Tsukune… He was recovering right there before my eyes thought. Why could I not believe it though the truth was before me?

“ _ **It would be good if that was case…the reaction to my blood should have caused Tsukune’s body to break apart.”**_

It what I had calculated and I was never wrong. I always accounted for every possible measure, but I did not consider that one’s heart could cloud your judgment so easily, mostly because I did not seem to have one for a long time.

“ _ **I was sure that it wasn’t going to be that easy…”**_

Nothing ever is. We don’t live in a children’s storybook. I felt a dark feeling in the air. It was the same one. I did not want to believe this is what my precious Tsukune had become.

“ _ **Tsukune…is that what you have become?”**_

It had been the same feeling… I had woken up in the middle of that cold night in grandfather’s castle. A strange noise roused me from my sleep. I cannot say strange, as this sound was somewhat familiar. I do recall hearing it on occasion when I slept over during previous seasons. Great grandfather brushed it off as one of the lone wolves getting in through the unclosed passages that the humans had yet to repair. With all that had been going on recently I felt a strong suspicion. Something in me wanted to seek the source of that noise. Logic dictated if father lied than great grandfather would hold a similar habit, though as not severe. I really had wanted to believe ojisan. He had been one of my favorite people in the world. I climbed out of my bed, Kokoa was still sound asleep. I shivered when my bare feet touched down on the cold stone floor. I opened the room’s chamber door and peered down the dark halls. Being a vampire I was quite used to the darkness, but at the same time being raised in a very modern atmosphere where we walked during the day, I was also very unfamiliar with it. My curiosity got the better of me and I hurried after the sound as it faded down the hall. I came to a stairwell Kokoa and I often steered clear of. Though we had free run of the castle the door at the bottom of these steps were locked, though with the strange feeling that emanated from the door we did not wish to venture further. It was a familiar feeling, but at the time I did not know why. I peered down the stairwell and realized the door was ajar. It looked as if someone had been rushing up and down the steps as they had trailed whatever muck and mold that had been collecting down there. The scent was strong and was rather offensive to my growing senses. I quickly stepped back only to bump into a warm body. I looked back and found that I had bumped, and knocked, Kokoa to the ground.

She began to cry, her calls carrying across the walls, only increasing the tenor of her wails. Koumori desperately tried to shield his sensitive bat ears with his wings as he sat perched just beneath her vocal chords in her arms.

“Kokoa! Why are you here?”

I was startled, I’ll admit. Ojisan warned us not to get out of bed at this time for fear that we may catch cold on these frigid nights. Too bad I had learned that too to be a lie. I cannot recall much of what happened after I had calmed Kokoa down, perhaps it was locked away because of the terror it had wrought upon me.

I snapped my head up to the strange sounds bubbling out from the corridors. I had originally been following the noise but it had somehow gotten behind me. I don’t know what, but I had been glad for whatever it was that compelled me to push Kokoa to the ground. I had seen it for only a split second, than it was upon me. I reacted instinctively and kicked my legs out, trying my hardest to get whatever was on me, off, but it seems I had only served to anger it. After a moment or two the creature sniffed at my neck in the most defiling manner before throwing me roughly into one of the armor mannequins standing along the halls. It was painful because whatever it was, threw me with enough force to bend the armor in such a way that it pierced my side. The creature went after Kokoa. She could do nothing but stare up in fear as this monster attacked her. I could only scream out, at least I think I was. It was possibly no sound was coming out because the wound had punctured my lung, I later learned. As I blacked out I watched as the beast came upon Kokoa, and I remember thinking, as the darkness I was so familiar with, came for me, was that I was too weak to protect Kokoa, and she and I would now die at this creature’s hands.

I awoke with a start, disoriented. I had been sure I had fallen to my enemy, whatever it was. When I remembered that it had gone for Kokoa I screamed. My yells quickly brought grandfather from the bathroom. I quickly realized this was his room, but I was even more lucid to realize I had gotten my baby sister killed. I was not afraid what father would say, or their mother would do to me… I had genuinely felt that I had failed the only person that stood at my side when no one else would. Ojisan came to my side and calmed me by embracing me in a way that I recall my father doing. He scooped me up in his arm, supporting my body against his chest. The sound of his heart relaxed me enough to allow him to explain what had happened. It was clearly my only concern had been Kokoa and it was the first thing he told me.

“ _She had only been frightened and not harmed, but you were nearly killed.”_

I could not tell what bothered ojisan more, the fact that I wasn’t afraid that I had nearly died or the fact that I was doing so well after being punctured in the lung. I had been out an entire day after ojisan fixed me up. He promised not to tell father what happened if I rest for the day. Seeing that Kokoa was well, I agreed.

He set me down in his bed and pulled his large quilts over my body. I looked up to him with my curiously large, ruby eyes. It was bothering me a little now that I knew Kokoa was safe. What had exactly attacked us? Had I known than what I know now I perhaps would have taken to heart the tale of the creature which my father loved.

It is a broken memory, ojisan’s explanation to me. From what I recall it had gone more or less like a historical documentation rather than an explanation. I sat up and listened to him, though I can tell you I believed not a word of it. I as a foolish child or perhaps I was a frightened child? I was more afraid of being weak and unable to change myself, rather than be concerned over whom and what this Ghoul was. I had no understanding of love at that age. I held no understanding of how detrimental keeping to my own kind really was.

I could only pathetically look on as Tsukune beat Midou into the ground. My body was too weak to move on its own and I could only weakly muse on the situation. It had been the worst possible outcome to my kiss. I had only meant to die along his side, because his body could not take another kiss. I did not look up, but I could hear the sickening splattering crunches of Tsukune’s punches landing against Midou’s body. Had you asked me if I would still kiss Tsukune, knowing what he may become, I would have honestly been unable to answer. Being faced with the death of your precious friend and the consequence of being the cause of his death are both rattling concepts by themselves. 


	8. Indeterminable History

 

From a mix of both my own searching and the possible truth that came from ojisan’s stories had had come to my own conclusion about the possibility of what happened.

_At that time much of Europe had been infected with the disease today known as the Black Death. It filled the country with famine, war and death. Both human and youkai suffered greatly at the time due to the rapidly spreading disease which was believed to have been brought in from China. Youkai would often survive the disease because the viral infection would only last in their bodies for a few months, but often they would fall to other youkai and human persecution while ill. Humans on the other hand were far too weak to survive such a ravaging bacterium. In two years… I had originally thought it only ten. It would have been a more logical calculation considering the amount of life lost. I had been sorely wrong. In just two years over twenty million youkai and human fell victim to not a disease, but a single power hungry man. It took only one man to change the course of history, but it seems to always be the case. It only ever takes one, truly evil man, to bring the world to its knees._

_Father had been living with grandfather for several years in a small town in Sicily. Grandfather had thought it best to take father from the harsh political situations revolving around Romania at the time, as did a large portion of my extended family. The war with the yuki onnas had reached its peak and great grandfather sought to eradicate their shaman leaders and remove the only threat that hovered over our vampire heritage. I later found out that one of my uncles had been in a relationship with one of the leaders of the yuki onna clan at the time. It was still law at that time that vampires only mate to their own kind. I now understand why ojisan feared the union and caused the war, but it did not excuse the atrocities he committed during that time. I came to an understanding of the nickname “Vlad the Impaler”. I recall that great grandfather succeeded in pushing back the yuki onna and their human allies. The yuki onna tribes were devastated and had been forced to flee into Central Asia where the disease had originated from. Later I learned that they those remaining on the mainland of Eurasia had been wiped out by this “plague” which quickly spread into Europe and the rest of the known world. The only yuki tribes left remain in Japan to this day, having held no ties to their Eurasian ancestors save for blood. It was around this time that the tribes secluded themselves from other races, after learning of the cruelty of youkai in the human worlds._

_My family eventually traveled out to various areas in Europe and propagated. Father would come of age at around thirteen. He gained the distinctive ruby eyes and silver hair that my kind is known for. Back than it was relatively common for vampires to come of age so early, but as blood thinned and so did our clans, the age of maturity would drastically randomize._

_As the disease spread in an almost methodical manner, it had yet to reach deep into Europe, only slowly crossing through Asia Minor and India at the time. Father was given his first Familiar at the suggestion of my great grandfather. If given responsibility they believed it would curb his increasingly destructive vampiric behavior. It was around this time that vampires attempted cohabitation with humans as a means of survival. Though the relationship of mater and servant still existed it had been better than the previous relationship of slave and food. Father’s activities often brought into question my family’s honor. Thanks to our ties with the church and our noble status they had been able to buy father out of most trouble. Great grandfather had been the one to send the young of one of his servants to father as a Familiar. Vampires believed that the younger your given Familiar was the more responsible as a slave owner you became and would not act foolishly in the eyes of society._

_I learned that father had come to this very state of being, as unbelievable as I think it possible in this day. When I was young father was capable of no evil, and though I found the story of his human Familiar to be heartwarming, I was simply a disillusion child that carried fruitless ideals of a unifying power that stood above belittling the weak. Father indeed had grown to love his Familiar, in ways which were taboo among our kind. Ojisan told me that grandfather tried all he could to separate them and no solution had been reached. Ojisan said he planned to take the slave back to his home and send it away to live with its original birth parent, who was a Familiar to my great grandfather._

_Now vampires have many enemies, but it seemed ojisan had made enemies with the worst kind of youkai. Our family line was well known in the youkai world. We are feared and respected and hold privileges most of our kind do not. Our ties with the human and youkai world bound us indefinitely to advantage, but karma works in terrifying ways. I have come to learn that the yuki onna tribes that had fled to Central Asia caused terrible natural disasters in their wake which I learned had been the cause of the spread of the disease. It seems the yuki onna were not ignorant of things as disease as many were in that era and used this to their advantage. With their pride torn and them having been driven from their homes and having their tribes decimated they sought revenge. In their blind revenge there were no allies, only victims. It was one of the earlier acts of biological warfare I had heard of. A yuki onna male, one of the last born during that era, by the name of Jani Beg carried the disease and would actually toss the corpses of infected humans into the city of Caffa. It seemed that the humans and youkai that lived in city had become separated by factions of religion and the tensions created a war which led to one of the factions seeking sanctuary from the yuki onna dominated Mongol army. Many yuki onna had died from being used as carriers of the disease, but their goal had been met. They would make the world suffer the same indignity of tribal loss they have. The disease quickly spread from there by the hand of the enraged yuki onna. Though word had spread of the disease, none assumed it would reach Europe, but it already had. The youkai and human traders fled the dying, war torn city of Caffa and thus carried the disease across the ocean. The boat from Caffa went from port to port on their way across the sea. They desperately sought to reach their home in Italy. No ports would allow the galleys to dock when they came upon their sick and dying figures, but they soon reach the port of Messina, in Sicily. The harbormasters had sought to quarantine the ships but they had been too late it seemed…_

_Many humans and youkai became sick. Europe was stricken by much war and famine at the time which only served as a catalyst to the illness. Though in the countryside fared poorly, but the richer individuals held greater strength to resist the disease, but not servants. Servants were sent from their masters to other villages, only further spreading the sickness. When my father’s Familiar fell ill he had been devastated, so I was told. Honestly it was hard to picture father fighting so hard for a Familiar. As cruel as it may sound or discriminate against the human, but it would have eventually died anyway of sickness seeing as most Familiar shared the lifespan of their masters unless they were otherwise killed or taken by illness. Father’s Familiar than fell victim to the death which the disease was known to bring. Father was devastated by the loss and much like me I think he refused to consider the implications of the warnings that my grandparents gave him of kissing humans._

_In his sorrow he kissed his Familiar. Unlike Tsukune though, his Familiar was not as lucky when it came to the kiss. When a vampire kisses one of three things may happen. Usually that individual will share part of our youki and a considerable amount of our vampiric strength. Depending on the situation sometimes it is permanent or temporary, but our blood can heal some of the more horrid and mortal wounds that can be suffered on an individual. The second case is that they simply die. Vampire blood is powerful and is heavily saturated with youki. Weaker youkai and humans cannot handle injections without suffering negatively from the power. The last result… they—can lose their souls, but that is rare, and almost never heard of. It seems though the chance increases when vampires use their blood to revive the dead. It was a lesson learned by my father and later I. He had created the first Ghoul in centuries. It was obvious why that had been a rule in our society, to not mingle with outer races. Great grandfather knew the reason for the law, he had been old enough. It had hurt him the most when he learned father broke the taboo._

_The Ghoul rampaged through the Sicilian manor that my grandfather owned. Grandfather sought to protect father and pushed him out of the way of the Ghoul’s attacks. The beast tore grandfather to ribbons after consuming every drop of blood in his body. I don’t know how father was not killed by the beast’s blind rage, but it seemed to obey him for one reason or another. I still don’t know how or what he did. Great grandfather had always refused me that truth and I could never find a reason. Great grandfather’s heart had been broken by the loss of grandfather and father’s affront to nature. Ojisan had come to Sicily himself when he caught first word, but he had been too late._

_Father now sought to keep his Familiar satiated and controlled. He would take it to graveyards where the body of the dead plague victims piled up. The beast fed and fed until it was full, but father was not satisfied with just his Familiar’s company. He discovered his Familiar still obeyed him to some extent. Father had grown ill with constantly having to respect the ideals of lesser beings such as his servants or the help. He was scolded when he would raise a hand against the help, but no longer, grandfather was dead. He would go into the homes of the sick and offer to heal them if they became his Familiars and followed him onto their death, which would be moments away. He would always choose victims, quite literally, on their last breathes. It was a horrifying display of sadism. I would never understand what compelled him to continue making these frightening creatures._

_I understood why he saved the one he loved, but I could not understand why he sought to make others suffer in such a manner. If I could I would have never allowed Tsukune to become… that thing._

_He would no longer smile, and would have killed Midou had I not stopped him. I would not let his hands stain with blood. I could not let him survive by feeding on the flesh of the dead for eternity. There is no meaning in pressing cold flesh to your lips when you kiss. I had felt I lost everything because I had turned Tsukune into the worst kind of monster: one who preys on others for survival._

_I turned him into a parasite, like me._

_He marched the armies of Ghouls across the land increasing the numbers of deaths spread by the disease, but he had become dissatisfied with human Ghouls. He decided he wanted to turn his kin and create more powerful Ghouls that would not so easily fall to the weakness of their hunger. We were more vulnerable to the blood-spread disease so many of our kind feel deathly ill alongside their humans, even father suffered repeated outbreaks because he would miss-feed, and unknowingly feed from someone in the early stages of the sickness. No one understood back than what we do now so it was expected. He offered to save his kin, but he could not make them Familiars. Vampires cannot hold other vampires as Familiars so he promised to heal them as long as they became his ward. Father had not expected the Ghouls born outside of a Familiar contract would be more uncontrollable than those with._

_The wild Ghouls, little different from the human born Ghouls save for their contract, fed indiscriminately and against my father’s will. Soon the death spread at a father rate and in little more than two years over sixty percent of the European population was decimated. The Hades Kings had finally intervened and destroyed the Ghouls. Father was sent to a youkai prison and forced to spend the remainder of his life in the youkai world and stripped of his family name. Great grandfather had pleaded with the Kings to allow him to live as he would have been given death for his crimes against humanity and youkai kin. They allowed it under the specified condition that father work for them from there on in and serve loyally to the goal of reaching a unified youkai and human world. Ojisan agreed. Father was relocated to Japan where he held no power over others and would have to work to regain all the affluence of his previous life, back. He had to change his name and reshape his identity. Sometime later he met Kokoa’s mother. They had been working in the same area, seemingly both ousted from their comfortable lives in the human world. Aneue was born several years later, than Kahlua-nee after that. He had met my mother, who worked in the human world it seemed. He had an affair with her for several years, but seemingly loved her, though there is no way that a single person can hold their affections without it thinning out somewhere. I had been born sometime after, than Kokoa about three years after me._

_Father’s entire life had been reshaped by this incident, and so has mine. Am I that much like him? The very thought makes me sick._

I had asked ojisan about the identity of the creature that attacked us. He told me it was father’s Familiar. He explained to me that he had been ordered to kill his grandson’s Familiar since his master would be sent away, but ojisan said he could not bear it. The Familiar was the last remaining link to his Familiar which had been taken by the same illness. He did not kiss his Familiar and let it die. He told me that he regret his attachment to humans because it makes decisions all the harder when it comes to our duty as vampires.

I than asked him what was our duty as vampires.

He looked at me in the eye and smiled.

“ _To survive.”_

I did not understand it than, but I do now. Sentient beings are compelled to survive just as animals are, but when a sentient being falls in love they tend to sacrifice their very existence for that other half. Tsukune sacrificed his for me, so many times, and I had tried to sacrifice mine for his, but it seems that karma has a way of paying back in full the ill-deeds that your ancestors committed. I lost my Tsukune to the darkness that flows in my blood… and now I will be forced to kill him with the same hands that only wish for him to be close…


	9. Cursed by Truth

 

As promised I lay to rest for the rest of the day in ojisan’s bedchamber. For all of the luxurious and extravagant existence of my great grandfather I would have come to assume that he would have been seen in that castle, at once, but sometimes I forget how truly powerful he is, his presence is something I am just aware of. I can only humor myself by blaming his charming personality for his continued occupancy of the castle. I have to admit though; he did secure the finest sleeping chambers for himself. The open fireplace crackled as its embers danced upon the charred, white logs which ojisan obtained by cutting wood straight from the forest that surrounded his castle. Shadows played off the marble fireplace and all around I could see evidence of the homey, lived in chamber room. I looked to the wall and remembered how amused and calmed I was by the vision of the playing shadows that belonged to the furniture and fire. Ojisan had tucked me in and made his way to the antechamber connected to the room. He would probably nap there with a book in hand since I had his bed.

I lay my head upon his pillows. I can recall from my muddled memories that the pillows always heavily scented of him. It was distinct of grandfather, something I could not compare to his surroundings. It was a masculine smell, but it was also very, something I can only describe as: paternal. Grandfather was much different than my father in the sense that he knew how to comfort. Of course my father held his instincts to tend to me. He would cradle me when I was hurt and gave me a sense of security, but honestly speaking security and comfort are wholly different feelings. I felt secure in the fact that he would not allow harm to come to me in my weakened states when they would come, but I felt no comfort for the fact that I had been weak. It would always feel that he would silently scold me with his disappointed glances. Ojisan brought me a sense of comfort, a sense that it was okay for me to let down my guard. It would not be a feeling I would again feel until I met Tsukune. Here at ojisan’s castle I could sleep a restful sleep without fear of the possibility that one of my family members, or even a few servants I felt paranoid toward, would come for me in my sleep.

I did not often dream. Dreams are for those who look forward to tomorrow. I always worried what would come with tomorrow, and if I would be able to survive in that day. It was something the powerful always feared, always suffered. Power always has its consequences, even if you do not use it against others, it will simply eat away at your existence. I often had nightmares. There are many pathways given to suffer nightmares: stress, trauma, fever. I was sure that than I had not suffered a fever, nor was it particularly stressful as I could not grasp the concept at that age. Children often suffered frustration which was merely a passing emotion. I more than likely suffered the remaining: trauma. I only remember because that haunting sight carried with me and eventually manifested into a driving force that will one day propel me into a destiny that was seemingly constructed by the chains of my family. This would be the first time I came upon these horrifying images in my sleep, and it would not be the last, and would continue until my sealing. It was a very distinct feeling. I was surrounded by a drowning sensation. 

I felt like I was being torn apart from the inside out by a burning sensation of electrocution. I could hear the horrid cry of screaming and the sound of someone being torn apart. I could hear as flesh was ripped apart, it sounded like tape being pulled off a cardboard package. Each time I would look up into the blood red eyes of that monster. Blood dropped down its face and soaked its clothes. It was laughing at me. Always it would laugh at me, at my weakness and at my inability to protect those I loved. I had woken up screaming, and it would not be the last time my body was forced awake, and left indebted by my restlessness. 

Ojisan had rushed back into the bedroom and came upon my trashing form. I was sure my youki was flaring from my tantrum and rabid need to fight away the images. It took a while for me to calm down. I had regained my senses and came to find that I lay in my great grandfather’s cradling clutch. I was swayed into a relaxed state of being as I felt my body rocked by his stepping motions. I sleepily glanced up to him. We were walking down the barren castle halls. I could hear each of his footfalls in the lifeless dwelling. He did not hold the impassive look my father did when he carried you. Ojisan actually looked concerned for my well being. I did not need to tell him what I saw in my nightmare. I’m sure for everyone that held face to face experience with the beast their first time would feel terror. Terror: it is a word I would often be associated with, a strong word that left deep a scarring in my heart. Ojisan lost his son to the beast. My father lost his first love, and his identity. I will end up losing so much more to the beast, more than I could have imagined.

I would not come to the realization that those vivid nightmares were but a warning of what was to come. When I had been sealed, so had all much of my deep-seated negativity. They had come to the decision to seal me the day after I returned from ojisan’s castle. 

Yes it had only been a day I remember. We had stayed at great grandfather’s house until aneue and Kahlua-nee returned to work and school, respectively. I still suffered from the night terrors and would adversely react. I did not know it than, but the first time I reacted I had bore several gashes into the walls of ojisan’s walls with my youki alone. It only increased in ferocity from there. I had almost killed one of the servants in a fit of rage. I was about seven than, I can more or less recall. Kokoa and I sparred more frequently. It was the only way to keep my temper in check. I would easily become agitated and petty as time went on. Aneue could no longer bully me and Kahlua-nee had grown closer to Kokoa and did not bully her as much, though Kokoa still much preferred my company, as did I. Their mother had grown increasingly fearful of me, to the point where she forbade me to be present in certain areas of the manor at certain times. As I grew so did my knowledge of the way things worked in my home. 

I had received a letter from mother responding to what I had asked her before I left to ojisan’s. She apologized for being late writing, but her work had her busy with something imperative, but not that I was not more important than her work. I did not care either way at this point I don’t think, but her words were comforting, even though I knew her work was far more important. That was something I understood as a child when it came to work and play: a parent would always choose work. I never wanted to be like that if I ever choose to have offspring. Her letter asked if I wanted to come live with her. I was hesitant about the idea of leaving everything. Maybe if I confronted father I would receive the answer I wanted, at least that’s what I had thought, and I had been sorely right about that assumption. It also read that if I wanted to go I would have to have my power sealed. For many that would seem like a big decision to make. Sealing away my power and making myself vulnerable just to be allowed to exist outside of this darkness that I was currently trapped in? For me it seemed like a fair deal. Give up this power for a chance at a different sort of life. I went to his study, being careful this time, but apparently I had not yet stomped out my curiosity. I scented something, that same smell that made me feel… strange the last time it was in the air.

“Chichiu-e…?”

I called softly as I opened the door of his study. I will not repeat what I saw in that room, but it is something a child, of any race, should ever see. I stormed off as my name fell from my father’s lips. Fight in his own home…he would… It did not seem to matter who or what, and he was a hypocrite when it came to kissing. I rushed to the playroom where Kokoa was sitting in the bay window with Koumori sitting on her head.

“Onee-sama?”

I did not respond and had gone straight to the weapon’s wall and tossed Kokoa a small. I had decided right there. I had to push her away. I had to protect her from taking the same path I was.

I understood.

I was running away.

I wanted her to stay where she would be well taken care of. Her mother loved her, father treated her fairly well, but I would not be able to protect Kokoa if I continued the way I was. I was afraid my rage would hurt her. After sparring I returned o my room and responded to mother’s letter.

“ _When you come get me, I will be ready.”_

Father dared not bring up the subject of me barging into his study and witnessing what I did. Even he felt weary around me and my ever increasing … resentment. It is a proper word for what I felt toward him at that point in my life. I had to tell Kokoa soon, but I would give her one last lesson as her big sister. I had to make sure she was a strong enough person, that she would follow her dreams and her will. She was always a stubborn, clingy girl, and I would be sure she stayed that way and not become what my father, or what her mother, was.

I had received a response from mother several weeks later. She said a car would arrive in a week’s time to pick me up and take me to her place of stay. I often wondered if she truly lived in the human world, though it seemed to be a place youkai loathed to go for whatever reasons they held. Later I came to understand that they held legitimate reasons of hatred toward humans. I would not share that hate, but I would be lying if I said I trusted them.

That day I had sparred harshly with Kokoa. It would be last day I would see her, perhaps forever. I felt like such a coward for running, but I was sure had I stayed she would have come to harm with my weak self. I would not be doomed to commit my father’s mistakes. How foolishly I believed that would be the case…how foolish…

I struck Kokoa down with another well placed kick. 

“I’ve grown tired of your clingy behavior Kokoa. It is useless. No matter how many times you try, I will win.” 

She was getting stronger and held quite a presence on the battlefield. I was impressed with her growth of skill, but I had my mind set on leaving and my heart set on making sure she would be left with a way to physically and emotionally protect herself.

“I won’t give up!”

Kokoa exclaimed as she pushed herself to her knees, her weapon discarded in the marble floor which was wrought with the badges of our rough training, which has long since shifted from the innocent play of children. Koumori did not often get used during these matches because he was not strong enough to hold weapon form against me. I looked down as my sister fought back the tears brought on by my cruel, dismissive words. She was used to my callous personality. She was never deterred and always held an innocent determination in her eyes. She always admired me, no matter how cruel I acted toward her. Perhaps she knew it was but a mask I carried to protect myself from this house?

Kokoa wore no mask. She had great pride… in herself and her abilities. She held her race on a pedestal because she was raised in both ignorant bliss and the painful truth of her eyes. She was like me in that sense; she was not blind to what was right in front of her. She looked up to me with her large emerald eyes. 

“Not until I can win…”

She swore as she looked to me with resolve. It did touch me, and only caused me more pain by what I would tell her next. 

“It’s too bad…”

I mused as I turned my back to her so she could not see the visible cracks in my weak, porcelain mask.

“Soon I will be leaving this house to find out if mother truly lives in the human world studying.”

I could feel a lump caught in my throat as I fought away these feelings that I would soon, no longer need. I had to throw them away. If I did not I would not be able to protect her, or survive in the world.

“She is trained to seal youki.”

I turned to face Kokoa. Her tiny face was framed by her dark bangs which clung to her sweat soaked face. I could see as she fought to understand my words. She struggled to find dishonesty in my statements.

“Consider today’s fight the last one.”

I turned away and crossed my arms over my chest. I’m sure she had broke through my façade. 

“Don’t make jokes like that… What is thi-“

She ended up screaming at me.

“Sneaky! You’re just quitting while you’re ahead?! Then who am I supposed to fight with from now on?!”

She knew I was running away, but I was sure she did not know from what exactly, because neither did I. Her accusations only made this cut deeper. I would essentially be leaving her alone when we only had each other to begin with. 

I had come to the realization I was not trying to protect Kokoa. I was trying to protect myself. I felt so…wrong. I felt like I was turning on myself, but that’s when ojisan’s acknowledgement had become clear. As vampires, our sole duty is to survive. I knew if I stayed in that manor any longer I would not. Something told me, no something was yelling at me: leave. I did not know what to say to Kokoa, except what I felt to be sincere at the time.

“…Sorry.”

She was right. I would not deny it. I was running away while I still could, but I had to survive. 

It would only be several years later that I would come to realize why that nightmare was so profound.

As I sat here watching Tsukune beat Midou to death I could hear that snaking laughter. I was having trouble breathing as I felt the water drip off my bleeding skin I looked up as Kurumu shuddered in disbelief. It was the same as my nightmare. The blood soaked clothes, the laughter, the sounds of brutality. That nightmare was my inescapable reality. I could feel the fear in the air, and it would have been suffocating if not for the blood that already saturated my senses. They deserved to know what it was they were witnessing.

“Tsukune’s weak body is now completely under control of the blood that injected into him…”

It made me sick to my stomach. Never before had I smelled so much blood. What was worse was that I was only sick to my stomach because I had indirectly caused all of it. The blood did not bother me… the carnage… I didn’t flinch.

Never would I have realized, because by than I had been sealed and had lost…everything that made me, me. The day I left the manor was all a blur. Anything that came after was just darkness. It had been as if I had died and been trapped into limbo for all eternity. I wondered for a long time had if this had been my punishment for foolishly believing that I could change my fate by running away from it. The day I woke up from my death, had been the first time I met him. I would never forget that day, that feeling.

It was a comforting feeling that I had long since forgotten and lost to the painful truth of my reality.


	10. Sacrifice and Reward

 

I had given it up, my power. I had honestly thought it would be that easy. My mother told me my seal was special. It would seal a large amount of my youki and I could be among others without creating conflict. I would have never believed the sacrifice for trying to bury a piece of myself would be that a portion of my consciousness would be hurled away into a suffocating darkness. I felt as if I was being torn apart. I was afraid, afraid that if I slipped too far away I would never make my way back. I faintly recall someone calling to me and saying that it would be alright. She said:

_I will take care of you while you sleep._

While I slept? Yes, this was my punishment for being unable to realize my place. I had faint knowledge of the world outside. I would be able to see as everything around me passed through dreams. It had been the first time I had ever dreamt. I realized that for the first time in my life, I looked forward to another day, but why? I could not understand these dreams. Though these feelings had always been with me, I just had been unable to express them. I always had to suppress my emotions, but now I felt as if it was alright to reverie these feelings. I dreamt happy dreams, but I also dreamt sad things. I wondered if, perhaps in a state such as this that I could hold a companion? Vampires were hated, feared creatures that were forced to live in a world separate from both youkai and human alike. I knew I was not supposed to, but even if it was only a human, I wished that there would be one person that would accept me in this state. Yes, that is what I dreamed for, and that is what I looked forward to. 

In my dream I was a happy, energetic girl. She was my sentimental side, a side I could never show, and until I was sealed, did not know existed. My sentimental side was very open, and always laughed, the same way ojisan used to laugh. Were these all really my feelings?

I continued to dream these wonderful dreams, and I could taste something unfamiliar. I gave a kiss in my sleep. Even though I had originally thought that kissing was a dreadful activity, this: my first kiss was indescribable. I dreamt wonderfully of his blood until a nightmare was once again upon me. He told me he was a human, I could hear his voice whisper as a pain washed over me. I had felt coldness toward other humans as I slept, but when I came upon this one, unknowingly… I spoke out of turn, and with my emotions. It seems even in a sleeping state I must tread lightly. The sentimental I had spoken out of turn, calling humans cruel creatures, when in fact the same stood for us. 

“ _You hate humans right?! So than excuse me for being a friend to a monster!!”_

Though his words were harsh, they were true. Though humans were cruel, they were not…monsters. I felt as my warmth fled from me. I was broken by the feeling as it carried into my dreams. I had wished to make a friend, I did not care what sort of creature it was, as long as it accepted me, yet there I stood a hypocrite to my own desire. It hurt. I had driven away the one warm feeling in this abyss, and I was not even awake. I was such a fool. My sentimental self was too muddled by her sadness to feel the dark feeling hovering above her. I was asleep, so could not act. I would once again…

As soon as it began, I recall the sudden feeling a fear I had only felt once before. It was not a fear for my life, but the life of another. It felt the same as when Kokoa had been in danger. I hated this feeling I wanted to… I wanted it to end differently. I wanted to keep this feeling of warmth around me, and selfishly stop these feelings of fear of loss.

“ _I wanted to be your friend Moka-san.”_

I heard faintly in my dreams. It was a powerful feeling. Had he truly said that or was it wishful thinking? Was it the one that made me feel warm in this state truly mean this? But would I feel that, would this warmth feel that way if they knew what I really was like?

“ _Even if you’re a vampire…I like you Moka-san.”_

When I was here I did not have sad dreams, and I wished for that to continue. If only I could wake up. I begged to wake. And then, my wish came true. I woke up from my dreams and found my enemy before me.

That foolish creature thought he could force me into anything…I felt invigorated by my awakening and I was never good at waking up to be honest. He wanted to take me, and rid me of this warm feeling? So, I offered him to come and try. Foolish Ork. He wasn’t even a challenge for y power which has just reawakened. His low class did not suit my tastes in battle, but it was enough to sate my temper. I turned to the boy who brought my sleeping state warmth. He has seen the true me, and just like everyone else, would fear me.

“What’s wrong? Are you scared of me? This me…?”

I did not want him to run, or be scared, but I also wanted him to know the true me. I could not hide what I was. A monstrous creature that loved battle and bloodshed. I was not a cruel being, far from it, but I still could not escape my nature, it was something I realized when I woke from these dreams and sensed the fear in that wild Ork… they always feared me. Even my sisters’ mother and father after a time. Aneue would no longer wish to challenge me, and I now realized that perhaps I sought the attention, attention regardless what it was. I looked to this boy.

_Tsukune._

I remember him from my dreams. He was the one that held the warmth over my body. He made my sleeping state feel… something. He stared at me. Was it fear? Or surprise? He did not run. Was it stupidity or fear? I reached out to him, and he flinched. It made my heart jump seeing that face on him. I had remembered he had a warm smile. Well after what I did to that Ork it’s not surprise considering he woke me. I did not smell fear on him…but awe.

“Don’t act so worried.”

I chuckled when I snatched my Rosary from his hand. Perhaps I would dream of him for a little longer, and see if he stays by my sleeping self’s side… he said he would be my friend, was it true?

“This me who has not awoken from slumber for a long time, is still tired.”

I would give him time to choose to leave me, if he did choose I did not want to be awake to see it.

“I have no intention of harming you.”

The one who kept me warm in my normally chilling slumber. I looked to my Rosary in thought. I wished to remove this dreadful thing but I did not want him to know _me,_ not yet. Not until I knew him. I remembered coming close to him. If he truly meant what he said, I wished to continue kiss him. I liked him too, my first friend. His face was amusing. Perhaps I would tease him a little, it was what friends did right?

“As for your blood, it is very delicious to my sleeping self.”

He looked rather shocked, and even blushed. I was sure he was not scared, and would stay by my side. Maybe he would care for me as I continued to sleep?

“Until we meet again…you had better babysit the other, sentimental, Moka.”

I warned before placing the Rosary back in place and falling back to my sleep. I was sure I’d feel the cold emptiness of loneliness, but all I felt was warmth surround me. Was this my reward for sacrificing my power, I wondered. Later I would discover, though he would be my reward, he would also act as my punishment when the time came.

He continued to stay by my side, no matter how frightening I became as my awakened self… I had come to consider him my precious friend, as my sentimental self did. He was slowly melting away the barrier between my feelings of affection and feelings of mistrust. He slowly began to understand the true me, but then I lost him.

When I felt as the water stopped raining down upon me, I felt my strength instantly return. I knew what I had to do. It was my responsibility. He was not my Familiar so I could not control him and even so he would be forced to live the same life as me… forever a parasite and living off the blood of others. I did not want him to suffer that. It was more merciful to kill him than to let him live and hurt his friends. He wouldn’t want that. I knew Tsukune well enough to say that. He was a good person and had a good heart. He had his pride and I would not allow him to tarnish his name. It was okay for me to destroy mine… 

I slowly padded toward him. My heart wanted to fight me, but my will fought back all the harder.

“That’s why I told you Tsukune…that you should have returned to the human world…”

I felt tears trying to escape, but I would not allow it. I would not pity Tsukune for **my** mistake. I deserved this pain because of the pain I brought Tsukune. I felt myself hesitate when he looked to me with those empty eyes. I knew than he was no longer _my_ Tsukune. Once again I had to cast away my own emotions. I would kill Tsukune and take my punishment which I would have to suffer with for all of my immortal life…

I would not give up my life. I will continue to fight to live, because if I die than I would escape my punishment. This is what I deserved for being a vampire. This is what I deserved for running away from that which I could not escape. When I heard Tsukune bones crack under the weight of my kick, I felt my heart shatter.

“Forgive me…”

I begged, though I kept my voice even, for I knew if I allowed my emotion out I would not be able to kill him and he would end up suffering like an animal. He would die a crueler death at the hands of others, than at mine.

“I no longer have a way to save you.”

I was no better than my father… no I was better than him, because I would not make his mistake. I could hear as Tsukune coughed up his blood and I could hear as he hissed in pain. It was an inhuman sound… it was devastating. I have no choice but to do this… don’t think badly of me Tsukune. All I ever wanted was for you to be my friend. No I wanted more.

I would repent with this suffering that my kind, my family, has wrought upon humans. I would kill the man I loved with my own hands.


	11. Recognizable Fear

 

I had honestly believed our days would continue happily like this. I wanted to believe I had finally found my place. When I first came to the realization that I was hurting Tsukune it had been too late to stop the process I had begun. For my sake he desperately fought to hide the truth from me. He acted happily and smiled his usual smile, but he was hurting and I was too selfish to recognize his true pain.

I did not want to be like my great grandfather who tried to hide away from others, nor did I wish to be like my father and use others as he pleased without thought of consequence. That day I caught him in his study, violating that woman with kiss after kiss I understood his true nature, my true nature. It was that day I came to the realization why it was we were feared by others, why I was feared.

As I drove forward mercilessly, pounding my kicks into Tsukune’s chest I could hear as each blow crushed ruthlessly into his body. For every kick a piece of my soul was torn twain. I sort of wondered if I would even have a soul after this… The expression on his face, had I not closed my emotions off I would have falters. I went to strike through his heart, but he evaded. Part of me thanked Kami, but another part of me did not wish for this torture to be prolonged, even if it was something I had come to deserve.

~~~~~~~

Ugh…having lost so much blood I don’t have any more strength… I was able to move after the shower stopped, but I took a lot of damage from the water. How would I stop Tsukune? No he was no longer Tsukune. I have to…

Since Tsukune was originally human, he doesn’t get hurt by it. I can’t … If I don’t fight him seriously I’ll be killed for sure. If I die than I would lose all hope of repentance. I heard Kurumu’s screams. She too loved Tsukune in the way I did, but I wonder if for the same reasons I do? Did he save her from loneliness? No he saved her from a physical death.

I wonder which is worse… a physical death or an emotional death? If I do not right this situation, I would suffer both.

“Ah, yes… I’ll have to kill Tsukune.”

One of us had to be strong. Kurumu was never good at such things. The girl always wore her heart on her sleeve. I had to be clear though, for her sake as well. Though I would suffer from this, quite possibly the most as my hands will be stained by his blood, there are those around me who will also suffer from his loss. I not only hurt Tsukune, but I have betrayed everyone else as well. Tsukune… I had killed him already. He was no longer here. Long ago I was told that a Ghoul was born when a human’s soul was eaten by an evil spirit upon their death. Was my spirit and vitality so tainted?

“No…”

He was gone.

“To be more precise Tsukune is already pretty much… dead.”

Those words were like venom on my lips. I watched as this beast stared at me with violent eyes. They were not the eyes of _my_ Tsukune no longer. It seemed to be watching me, waiting for me to do something. He was not as strong as a Ghoul could be because my blood was already very drained of youki by the time I injected him, but I could not underestimate anything right now. I needed to make sure Kurumu understood so she at least had some solace. Though we were rivals she was still considered my companion and friend. I held up my hand to clarify. I watched as the mindless killing machine that held my precious friend’s body captive, sway at the motion of my hand.

“There’s only two fates for someone who has been eaten away by the reaction of vampire’s blood.”

I lowered my hand and glanced over my shoulder at Kurumu, but I made sure to keep attention on the beast.

“Death… or in Tsukune’s case, degenerate into a ghoul.”

She needed to understand, had I understood perhaps this would have not happened. Perhaps if I had just accepted his death the first time Tsukune would not be suffering. Humans are fleeting. Their weak frail bodies cannot handle the strain of constant battle and bloodshed. Kurumu, please understand. I am doing this to protect Tsukune’s honor, and you, my other friends. Tsukune was no longer here.

“Those who have degenerated into a Ghoul no longer possess will. They only continue to live by their instinct for their thirst of blood.”

The same horrible fate I am cursed by it seemed.

“If left alone, Tsukune will probably kill and eat humans as well, sooner or later…”

I could not let him do that. I watched Kurumu as her tears freely flowed from her eyes. For a moment I was jealous of her ability to openly show her feelings and act with her heart, but as I have come to see acting so selfishly, without thought of consequence, only brings pain.

“Before that happens, I’ll kill Tsukune for his own sake…”

It would be the first time I would act truly selflessly. She also had to understand it was not Tsukune’s fault… but mine.

“It is my responsibility for turning Tsukune like this.”

I had to coldly turn away from Kurumu. I knew that her crying face would cause me to falter. I had grown weak like that over the time I have spent with them, but I sort of didn’t mind… I turn to strike the final blow while the beast is distracted and befuddled, but when I turn Kurumu steps in my way.

If I could stop this, don’t you think I wouldn’t Kurumu? Do you think I want this?! Stop being selfish!! It will only bring Tsukune more pain if he hurts you! I try and keep my façade and glare up emotionlessly at Kurumu. I had to keep level-headed.

“…What are you doing…do you want to die?”

Fool I can’t afford to cost anyone else their lives like this.

“…It’s dangerous, move out of the way Kurumu.”

I was clear, concise, but the succubus called my bluff. She was right… no matter how much I tried to pretend I had no feelings in this matter, I could not force my body back to that place now that I had been shown so much. I was a fool for thinking otherwise. I was still weak… It was not that I was mad at Kurumu. I was angrier with myself for letting my emotions control me in such a way. For my hatred of my father and my pride in believing I was better than him, when in truth I fell to equal level with this action. I wasn’t mad they always were with him. I didn’t want her to think I was only thinking of myself.

To be honest I had come to …

“…I… I don’t hate you at all.”

It was the truth.

“You are carefree and always gave us help… I think of us as being best friends.”

I don’t want you to be involved any more than you already are…

“B…but…”

“If you want to continue fighting, even if it is Moka, I won’t forgive you!”

Her words were unexpected. ‘Even if it is Moka?’ Had they always forgiven me for being… me? 

“I definitely won’t forgive you.”

They were…!

“You Idiot!”

If I lost them too because of my mistake…

“I told you to move because it’s dangerous!”

The Ghoul had regained its thirst for blood when the girls had gotten in front of him. Her blood was all over his hand. His expression… it was frightening. It no longer mattered who they were. It was all true. Everything was true! Tsukune was gone and I would never see him again. Everything I had gained up until that point, everything I had held dear. All of our time together… they were nothing more than my memories now! No! No! I …I’m sorry! Please…

“TSUKUNE!!”

I felt my control snap. I had to destroy it before it destroyed everything I held dear. I… I also didn’t want to lose you, even though I turned you into a Ghoul. I wanted you to live!!

Hoever…wouldn’t that just be giving more anguish?

Tsukune…

Hurting your friends, eating humans… isn’t it much crueler letting you continue living without a heart than letting you die?

_**CRUNCH** _

**CRACK**

……

Tsukune…the truth is that I… wanted to be with you more.

With every punch I landed I was locking away my memories of you. As my fists are stained with your blood, my heart weeps, and so do I, but even with you gone, I will fight to protect them, because that is what you taught me. Even if they hate me, and never forgive me, in your memory, for your sake, I will protect everyone.

“Tsukune!!!”

With this strike, I will end it… I will let this one, cold tear fall in my sorrow, and, and…

What, what are you doing to Tsukune!? Why did you stop me?! What are you doing to Tsukune!? Let him be! Leave my Tsukune alone! Did this man know and did he plan to…

A Rosary!

No! Please… don’t take my Tsukune away like that. Rosaries drive away evil… that’s all that’s left of him. H-he’ll be in pain. He’ll suffer! Don’t make him suffer, make me instead…


	12. Tomodachi

 

In the end he asked me to stay. After everything that had happened and all of the sadness and pain I put him through.

**Even if I am killed, I will always remain your friend.**

His voice reached deep into my dreams. With his words, I was finally able to awaken. I was indeed a fool. I tried to hide behind my own shadow and conceal all those feelings which had truly touched my heart. All those dreams I held turned into nightmares, one by one, before my very eyes until he released me with his own truth. Before I knew it I was again by his side, with that gesture alone, not just my outer self, but all of myself. Even if he is killed… not that I would ever wish for his death, but to be able to sacrifice yourself for the sake of another…

They were not just empty words, nor a shallow gesture. I have seen him on more than one occasion act this out. I held his dying body in my arms more times than I wished to remember. All of the people I have come to know throughout my fifteen years of life, and experiences that I have been met with… none of them could compare to the feelings I have felt when Tsukune stood by my side. He would smile at me with that innocent, caring smile and silently encourage me and would always tell me it was alright… I was Akashiya Moka. I was feared by my peers, feared by my siblings, feared by my father, and perhaps even my own mother. It was probably why she sealed me.

She told me… that vampires were feared, hated, by everyone and we should work our best to hide our true natures. Father told me that we were the greatest beings, better than everyone else and should never hide who we are or be ashamed. When I think back I can honestly say, though they both held valid opinions and both had compelling arguments. I think they were wrong.

Tsukune has neither hated me nor has he feared me. Tsukune has always thought me a good person and I think he somehow understands that, in many ways, he is more powerful than me. He will never match me in strength or stamina but that has not stopped him from proving his great strength. He has always told me… that it did not matter whether I was a vampire… or scary.

He asked me to always stay with him. Even after everything had happened he reached his hand out to me, and asked me to stay. Come to think of it, I had never had anyone reached out to me. I had recalled a long time ago that I had always wished for this feeling, back during a time where I was ignorant to my own wants and needs. Though Tsukune was the first to reach his hand to me, he would not be the last. In this place, that I have come to accept as my second home, there are no others like them, nor will there ever be. They may cry, and they may sometimes seem clingy and a bit disrespectful. They may also seem shy at other times and mature when you thought they could not be depended on.

I have gotten the chance to feel everyone’s hand against mine, everyone’s willing touch reach out to me, and though Tsukune had been the first to reach out to me, he had been the last I’d actually gotten a chance to touch in such a way. I have long since come to understand this strange awareness I feel when I am around Tsukune. Though it was true when I told him we have different hearts, my other self and I, perhaps it is because the way I was than I could not accept him for who he was the way he accepted me because he was weak. I was speaking the truth when I said I could not accept a weak human as my mate because I could not always protect him. So I asked him to train with me. He would put everything into my hands, because no one else would be able to train him this way, train him as if his life truly depended on it. With everything I put Tsukune through and everything that sis to come, this was indeed the case. He wanted me to stay, than I would make sure my precious Tssukune had the strength to bear the weight of the responsibility, after all he needed to be strong enough not only to take care of himself, but perhaps one day take care of me, in whatever way necessary. I was still a vampire after all.

So I took the Belmond without permission. So what that I snuck out of school grounds to have a little fun with Tsukune. This is what close friends did right? He was, after all, my most precious. Using this I would spend my day with Tsukune. I would not only strengthen our bond, but his mind to the dangers that constantly surrounded us. It has been years since I could move around freely like this.

Free. I liked feeling this way, especially with Tsukune at my side. We were together…even if it was nothing special to him; to me it was the greatest day of my life. I would never come to regret my time with Tsukune today, even if I had to deal with my friends in an unsportsman like manner, but there is a saying about love and war that I am quite familiar with. Toying with them was rather fun, because they were my friends and would not hate me afterwards. It was what they deserved trying to surprise us and ruin my day with Tsukune. I would be selfish from now on, because I had nearly lost him once and would not again. I would set a little trap for them… those idiots. I’ll return the favor right back to them. 

“ _I told you not the do that!”_

Don’t complain Tsukune! I already told you. If you don’t want me to hurt our friends, than you have to protect me, though I would never say that aloud. _Friends_. I was still not very used to speaking of these things clearly. I could sense them coming.

_Just stand back Tsukune._

This would be fun. Just like sparring with Kokoa when we were young, happier. When it was only a game and nothing so serious. I still took comfort in those days I spent with her. Why wasn’t he listening? He was going to ruin my fun. If he did not want to be a part of it than he needs to stand back and let me defeat them so we can go back to our…

“Tsukune, didn’t you hear me? You’re in the way so stand back.”

I know I was back to my harsh self but that was who I was. I would not hide myself from Tsukune. He had already told me, he did not mind the true me.

He had told me, sorry. I was so embarrassed. His warm body was against mine. As much as I wanted this, as much as I wished for him to just embrace me and reassure me, it was more than what I could handle at the moment. I…

I look back at all of the things I have been through. There were a lot of bad things, but I have come to understand that without those experiences I would not be the Moka everyone loves to hate, or in my friends’ case love and hate sometimes. There are such things as being able to both hate and love, and love but hate. I understand that those bad things have shaped the individual I have become today and allowed me a chance to experience these wonderful feelings and circumstances I would have not been able to otherwise.

Because of my father’s hate, my mother’s mistrust, my ojisan’s regret, my sisters’ affection and hate and their mother’s fear I was able to experience every range of emotions and pick and choose.

I will keep my pride because it allowed me to grow stronger.

I will keep my strength because it allowed me to protect my friends.

I will keep my mistrust because it allowed me make true friends.

I will keep my harsh exterior because it allowed me to see his true intentions.

I will keep my past because it allowed me to choose my future.

I will keep my friends because they rid me of this fear of being left alone.

It is not selfish, nor is it presumptuous of me. Friendship is about selfishness. You protect them when they want to be hurt. You love them when they want nothing but hate. You give them strength when they feel weak, and you reach out your hand to them when they fall.

I loved Tsukune, from the bottom of both my split hearts, but it was still weird being hugged by Tsukune like that. I know my cheeks were red. Ugh! But no matter. I will show them their place, and then maybe one day Tsukune will show me mine. I would not mind being protected by him, just once. It has been my dream ever since I was a child…

To have someone to hide behind when I was afraid.

I hope we could always spend our days carefree like this. I know I will keep the memories of my first date here, where only my other self could see. They’re good memories, right?

“ _Every last one.”_

Even the bad?

“ _Even the bad, because like you said, we cannot have happiness without knowing what sadness feels like, right?”_

Heh, I suppose not. We’ll do our best then.

“ _Promise, because you and I also need to stand by one another if we are ever to become true to ourselves again.”_

Just let me hide in your shadow a bit longer. I want to experience more through your dreams.

“ _Dreams are nice. Does that mean you wish for the future?”_

I do. Good or bad I wish to experience the rest of my days with friends like this. Sign it.

“ _How should I end it?”_

How about…

“ _Okay!”_

*~~~~~~~*

At the end of the journal, whose pages were filled end to end, Akashiya Moka signed the last bit of space with her feeling at the time.

_Tomodachi to watashi._

It had originally started when Moka wanted to write something out to get her mind off the day. She fought so hard between calling it a date or a day out. She had griped, whined, moaned, among other things and ended up blaming her father for her current situation, but in truth she has realized that she should be thanking him.

If he wasn’t such a heartless caretaker than perhaps she would have turned out better, but then she would have never met Tsukune and the others. She often deliberated on what to be alone truly meant. So far she has come up with nothing, because she much prefers her current life where she feels everything.

Tomodachi to watashi… My friends and I. Right now that’s all that mattered to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *================*
> 
> Your body is free but your heart is in prison. To release your heart, you simply reverse the process which locked it up. First you begin to listen for messages from your heart—messages you may have been ignoring since childhood. Next you must take the daring, risky step of expressing your heart in the outside world. . . . As you learn to live by heart, every choice you make will become another way of telling your story. . . . It is the way you were meant to exist. If you stop to listen, you’ll realize that your heart has been telling you so all along.
> 
> -Martha Beck, "Finding Your Own North Star"


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